Boners

Boner (Round One and Two) for August 13th, 2018

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: SOMETIMES I DRINK A BIT.

Conventional wisdom says you shouldn’t drunk dial people. Especially if the number you’re calling is 911. A 45-year-old employee at Alta Ski Resort was arrested Friday for investigation of emergency reporting abuse and intoxication after police say they received the latest in an ongoing problem of false 911 calls. Since May, the man has made 18 calls to 911 using two cellphones, according to a Salt Lake County Jail report. During each call, the man claims “to have an emergency in Little Cottonwood Canyon. The calls were made from a disconnected cellphone and all were determined to be not credible as no emergencies were found at the time of the calls,” the report states. On Friday, 911 received a call from the same phone from a man who claimed “he was stuck on a cliff,” according to the report. Officers investigating the calls determined “the GPS coordinates from the calls, always placed the phone called coming from nearby the Peruvian Lodge at Alta,” the report states.

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Boner Candidate #2: I AM BEING STALKED BY A BABY SQUIRREL.

Police have rescued a man who called them in desperation after a baby squirrel chased him down the street and wouldn’t leave him alone. The unnamed man called emergency services after he failed to shake off the tiny animal. He told officers he felt “stalked” and “under threat” from the critter. When officers took a police car to the scene in Karlsruhe, southwestern Germany, they found the man being “stalked by the persistent little creature” and still chasing him on Thursday morning. However, their help wasn’t needed in the end as the animal, apparently exhausted, gave up the chase and lay down to fall asleep. Officers said the baby had probably been separated from its mother and was after the man in search of a replacement parent and home.

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Boner Candidate #3: EATING IS A BASIC HUMAN RIGHT.

Police were called on a white man who purchased breakfast for an “Indigenous Elder” at an A&W fast food restaurant. Nick Driedger, the white man who had police called on him, told APTN News that the incident in Carston, Alberta was “clearly racist.” He recounted the woman asking the couple in line ahead of him for a meal. When it was his turn at the counter, he added a sandwich for the woman. “She just wanted a meal,” he explained. The worker who called police allegedly said that loitering concerns were the basis of a store policy to ban people buying meals for others. “I was furious,” he said. “I think it’s a basic human right to eat.” The worker also claimed the woman was “menacing.” “This is a little lady, maybe 100 pounds with a walker,” he estimated. “She couldn’t be menacing to anyone.”

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: WE DON’T OFFER A DEGREE IN LYING EITHER.

A candidate for the Florida Legislature is being accused of lying about graduating from college and then producing a fake diploma after a website questioned her about it. Miami University in Ohio told the Sarasota Herald-Tribune that Florida House candidate Melissa Howard attended the school but never graduated. The school also says the diploma she produced doesn’t match those issued in 1994 or 1996, the years she has claimed she graduated, or any year. The Republican businesswoman is running in the Aug. 28 primary. Her educational background was first questioned last week by the website Florida News Online. She called the site’s accusation false and said she traveled to Ohio last week to get the diploma at her mother’s house. After she posted a photo of the diploma, the website briefly took down its story and apologized, but the university then said her claim was false.

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Boner Candidate #2: HYGIENE IS IMPORTANT.

A driver has gotten more than he bargained for after finding a naked man at his local car wash. Footage shot from inside the car shows a man wearing absolutely nothing hugging the front of his car as it’s getting washed.  Filmed in Rotorua on New Zealand’s North Island, the video has been viewed more than 444,000 time since it was uploaded to Facebook on Friday. The cheeky footage was captured by a local, who’s husband spotted the man’s backside as they were passing by.  ‘We were actually at the lights, and my hubby spotted the naked butt, so we did the quick swerve so I could record it,’ Malo Harris told the NZ Herald. Ms Harris didn’t expect the footage to go viral when she uploaded it to Facebook under the caption: ‘Don’t do drugs, kids. Only in Rotorua.’

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Boner Candidate #3: A NEW LOW FOR OPIOID ABUSERS

It’s an all-time low for people trying to get high. Some are deliberately and intentionally harming their pets in order to get a prescription for opioids. According to a study by the University of Colorado Anschutz Medical Campus, people addicted to opioids are injuring their own pets, or even dogs not belonging to them, to satiate their opioid obsession. In response, CU Anschutz has created an online course for veterinarians to detect such cases. At Alameda East veterinarian hospital in Aurora, Dr. Kevin Fitzgerald said this has been a problem for some time. He also said veterinarians are playing catch-up. There are safeguards at his clinic already in place for such abuse.

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