Round One
Boner Candidate #1: I HAVE SEEN THE IMPOSSIBLE.
Apparently, astounded that all black children don’t spend their time shooting hoops or exploring new avenues of committing black-on-black crime, the governor of Kentucky regurgitated a small amount of previously digested racism when he declared how surprised he was that black kids could play chess. On Tuesday, Republican Gov. Matt Bevin visited Nativity Academy at St. Boniface, a Louisville, Ky., middle school that is 86 percent black and only 1 percent white. Before entering, Gov. Bevin recorded a brief introduction for his Twitter followers. “I’m about to go in and meet the members of the West Louisville Chess Club,” he explained. “Not necessarily something you would’ve thought of when you think of this section of town.”
Boner Candidate #2: WHAT A GOHMERT! OR, YOUR DENTIST MAY KNOW TOO MUCH ABOUT YOU.
Republican attacks on FBI agent Peter Strzok turned shockingly personal on Thursday when Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX) brought up the agent’s extramarital affair during a congressional hearing. Strzok is a controversial figure: He’s the career FBI counterintelligence agent whom President Donald Trump says was at the center of a secret FBI plot to thwart his presidential ambitions and elect Hillary Clinton. He oversaw the probe into Clinton’s use of a private email server in 2016, and was also involved in special counsel Robert Mueller’s Russia investigation. During the 2016 presidential campaign, Strzok exchanged a series of text messages with Lisa Page, an FBI attorney with whom he was having an affair, that were critical of Trump. In one particularly controversial exchange, Page texted Strzok that she was worried Trump might win. “No. No, he won’t. We’ll stop it,” Strzok reassured her.
Boner Candidate #3: BAGGING BIRDS AT THE PARK
A US park ranger confronted a woman seen snatching birds at a historic square in Philadelphia and placing them alive in plastic bags, and she claimed she released the birds after catching them Videos posted to Instagram on Wednesday show the woman capturing what appear to be sparrows as she and a man sit on a bench near Independence Hall. The man appears to toss food to a cluster of birds as the woman leans down and grabs one and puts it into a small plastic bag, which she ties off as the bird flaps around inside. Park Service spokeswoman Gina Gilliam says a ranger approached the couple Tuesday over a complaint they were catching birds.
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Round Two
Boner Candidate #1: I’M JUST TRYING TO GET HOME.
An Arizona state lawmaker was seen telling a sheriff’s deputy he sometimes drives as fast as 130 or 140 mph after he was pulled over for speeding, and the deputy said in a report later that the driver claimed to have legislative immunity. State Rep. Paul Mosley was stopped on March 27 outside of Parker, Arizona. The rural area near the California border is in Mosley’s district and more than 150 miles west of the state capital in Phoenix. A body camera video obtained by KLPZ and first published on its website ParkerLiveOnline.com shows a La Paz County Sheriff’s deputy warning Mosley to slow down. Mosley was going 97 mph in a 55 mph zone on state Route 95, the news outlet reported. Mosley then says he sometimes drives “130, 140, 120,” while trying to get home to surprise his wife. He says he doesn’t notice the speed because of his vehicle’s nice wheels and suspension.
Boner Candidate #2: THEY COULDN’T HAVE BEEN ABUSE BECAUSE THEY WERE ADULTS. I’M A DENTIST!
Over the course of the past week, multiple former Ohio State wrestlers have come forward to say they were sexually abused by former team doctor Richard Strauss during his tenure at the university, which ran from 1978 to 1998. Many of the wrestlers have also said that Republican Congressman Jim Jordan, who was an assistant coach on the OSU wrestling team from 1986 to 1994, had to have known what Strauss was up to while he was with the team. Jordan, the head of House’s ultra-conservative Freedom Caucus, has repeatedly denied that he knew about or ignored the abuse. and has personally attacked one of the accusers, Mike DiSabato. He’s already received president Tump’s support, and now he’s gotten a particularly appalling endorsement from fellow Freedom Caucus member Louis Gohmert.
Boner Candidate #3: YOU TRY STAYIN’ AWAY FROM THAT DANGED TATER BAR
An alleged criminal’s plans went awry when he got stuck in a ventilation duct of a North Carolina restaurant on Tuesday. Employees first noticed something was wrong when smoke stopped ventilating properly from an exhaust vent over the stove of the Mount Airy Golden Corral, according to a news release. The manager discovered the root of the problem when he went up to the roof and took a look inside. Police say the cause of the blockage was 59-year-old Charlie Edward Walker, of Mount Airy, who was stuck in the duct. Members of the police and fire departments removed Walker before transporting him to the Northern Surry Hospital, according to a police report.
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