Boners

Boner (Round One and Two) for July 26th, 2018

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: IT WAS ONLY OUTERCOURSE YOUR HONOR.

The lawyer for former Stanford University swimmer Brock Turner, who was jailed for sexually assaulting an unconscious woman, argued that his client’s conviction should be overturned since he only wanted “outercourse.” Attorney Eric Multhaup told a California appeals court in San Jose on Tuesday that Turner had his clothes on when he was caught by a pair of Swedish grad students on top of a half-naked, intoxicated woman, The Mercury News reported. Multhaup explained to the three-judge panel that “outercourse” is sexual contact while fully clothed, the news outlet reported. In response to his argument, Justice Franklin Elia said: “I absolutely don’t understand what you are talking about,” as he noted that the law “requires the jury verdict to be honored.”

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Boner Candidate #2: THERE WERE COMPLAINTS.

Workers at a southern Utah library say they were pressured to remove buttons and other displays highlighting LGBT-themed materials because they are seen as controversial. Joel Tucker, the director that oversee library branches in Washington County, says the buttons and displays at the Hurricane library drew complaints from upset visitors. Library employees who placed the displays and wore the buttons tell the Spectrum that they never received any complaints. They say the LGBT-themed displays were similar to those that they put up for Saint Patrick’s Day, polygamy and Black History Month.

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Boner Candidate #3: THEY SAID IT WAS A JUDGEMENT FREE ZONE

Police say Eric Stagno, 34, of Haverhill stripped naked in a crowded Plaistow, N.H., gym over the weekend. A Haverhill man who stripped naked and did yoga poses in a crowded Planet Fitness over the weekend learned the limits of the gym chain’s “judgement-free” philosophy. Eric Stagno, 34, was arrested at the Planet Fitness in Plaistow, N.H., shortly after 1:30 p.m. on Sunday, according to police Captain Brett Morgan. “When officers arrived, they found him there, completely nude: on his knees in a yoga-type position,” Morgan said. “He walked into the gym, stripped down at the door, then proceeded to walk back and forth a couple of times before settling in on the yoga mats.” The gym was fairly crowded at the time, but Stagno kept to himself, Morgan said. He checked himself out in the mirror and made his way over to the yoga mats, seemingly unaware that those around him were perturbed.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: NURSE IN PUBLIC? NO RECOMMEND FOR YOU.

A young Mormon mother has been denied a temple recommend by her Stake President for breastfeeding her child in public without a cover. The Bishop of her ward called her in and gently explained that members of the ward had complained to him about her breastfeeding at church without a cover. The ward members assumed that seeing her exposed breast was making it difficult for the young men and the recovering porn addicts to avoid impure thoughts.  The Bishop asked the woman to either cover up or nurse in the mother’s room.  When she informed her Bishop that she wouldn’t be changing her views or behaviors about nursing on-demand and uncovered, she thought the issue was over. The woman, her nursing baby, her three older children and her husband all participate in Sacrament meeting services from the foyer. The breastfeeding takes place while seated in chairs in the foyer. This sister is most comfortable in the foyer because she can still hear the meeting and participate in the ordinance of the sacrament while staying outside with her active children to avoid disrupting the meeting. The mother’s room in her ward building is accessed through the women’s bathroom, making it difficult for her husband to accompany her, and is too small to accommodate her other children who follow her there, nor are the sacrament trays brought in to any mothers while there.

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Boner Candidate #2: THAT’S WHAT AN EGYPTIAN ZEBRA LOOKS LIKE.

Student Mahmoud A. Sarhani visited the zoo on July 21 and took pictures of the odd looking zebra. The creature had unusually long ears and lacked the distinctive mane usually present on the African beasts. A closer inspection revealed the equine creature was in fact a strategically painted ass. Mahmoud shared a photo of the “zebra” on Facebook and the post quickly went viral in Egypt.

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Boner Candidate #3: IT’S WIZZ AIR ISN’T IT? I WIZZED

A female passenger has disgusted an aircrew when she urinated on the floor of a Wizz Air flight between Britain and Poland because the toilet was engaged. The unnamed woman can be seen with her trousers down to her knees and a large puddle around her as she chats on the phone to a friend.  The incident took place on board a recent Wizz Air flight between London and Warsaw when the woman was not allowed to use the toilet. According to reports, the plane was fuelling up and passengers were not allowed to go to the toilet during the procedure, so the woman decided to relieve herself in the galley – the compartment where food is prepared.

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