Boners

Boner (Round One and Two) for June 20th, 2018

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: ALCOHOL YOU LATER.

A 34-year-old Blaine woman with three previous driving while impaired convictions is charged with two counts of DWI after police say she crashed her vehicle in Ham Lake on Friday evening. According to court documents, Katharine Marie Luedtke’s preliminary breath test posted a 0.175, more than double the legal limit, and officers noted she was wearing a shirt reading, “Alcohol you later” and was not wearing shoes, when they arrived on scene at 10 p.m.

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Boner Candidate #2: HAVE IT YOUR WAY COMRAD

An official social media account for Burger King in Russia posted a promotion this morning promising a reward of 3 million Rubles ($47,000) and a lifetime supply of Whoppers for any Russian woman who got pregnant with the child of a World Cup player. Burger King Russia, which has a history of dumb (but not as gross) stunts like this, has since deleted the post, and apologized for the promotion on Russian social media site VK. The post roughly translates to: Burger King, within the framework of social responsibility, has appointed a reward for girls who get pregnant from the stars of world football. Each will receive 3 million rubles, and a lifelong supply of Whoppers. For these girls, it will be possible to get the best football genes, and will lay down the success of the Russian national team on several generations ahead. Forward! We believe in you!

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Boner Candidate #3: WHAT IS YOUR ALLIGATOR RETURN POLICY?

Authorities in Florida said they are searching for two suspects accused of abandoning an injured alligator inside a convenience store. The Manatee County Sheriff’s Office said deputies responded about 2:24 a.m. Friday to a report of a 3-foot alligator inside the Wawa store in Lakewood Ranch. Sheriff’s office spokesman Dave Bristow said deputies contacted the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission, which dispatched a trapper to capture the gator and remove it from the store. Investigators said witnesses reported two men brought the reptile into the store abandoned it.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: GUESS WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT GUY WHO SAID THE COPS WOULD NEVER CATCH HIM?

A sick stalker who threatened to throw acid in his victim’s face – and then called a police officer investigating him to brag he would never been caught – has been jailed. Charlie Brooker, 30, carried out a campaign of abuse towards a woman – making threats made towards her in person as well as through texts, emails and online messages. Despite the victim making it clear she did not want him to contact her, Brooker continued the abuse over several months between 2017 and this year and threatened to throw acid in her face, cut her with a knife and stamp on her head. He also threatened to harm the victim’s partner and damage her property.

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Boner Candidate #2: CEASER OR WALDORF?

A 12-year-old boy from Halifax, Nova Scotia, was so unhappy when his parents served him up a leafy dinner last week that he made his displeasure known — by calling 911. When the cops did not respond to his emergency in a timely fashion, he called again, just to reiterate how much he hates crunching on a bowl of raw, tossed vegetables. As CBC News reports, the Canadian police did eventually arrive at his door. They did not, however, intervene on the quality and substance of the family’s dinner. Rather, they used the unexpected house call as an opportunity to educate the boy about the appropriate uses of 911.

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Boner Candidate #3: HOW DID YOU GUESS I WAS ARMED?

Greenville police said a man who has an image of a gun tattooed on his forehead now has a charge against him for carrying the real thing. Police said Michael Vines is federally prohibited from possessing a firearm, but officers said firefighters saw him tossing a loaded .38-caliber revolver into the grass after a car wreck near the intersection of Green Avenue and Guess Street. Those firefighters then called police, and they in turn found the gun.

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