Boners

Boner (Round One and Two) for May 18th, 2018

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: LOOKIN’ LIKE A FOOL WITH YOUR PANTS ON THE GROUND

A falling pair of pants botched a Florida man’s wild attempt to evade police, cops said. Tobias Smith, 24, was arrested Tuesday following a car and foot chase in Daytona Beach and charged with fleeing and eluding, among other violations, the department posted to their Facebook page. Cops had tried to pull Smith over in a marked cruiser because the car wasn’t registered and he ran a red light to get away. He then rammed into another car, causing $10,000 in damages for the “badly shaken” passenger who was sitting inside, cops said. Smith kept going and ended up striking a light pole before he crashed into the front of a barber shop. He then bolted from the car and took off on foot but his crusade was foiled when his pants fell and caused him to trip.

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Boner Candidate #2: SHE WILL FIT RIGHT IN IN WASHINGTON.

Cynthia Dunbar has called public schools “tyrannical,” and was at the center of the Texas schoolbook controversy years ago —and is now the favorite to win a Congressional seat in Virginia. A few years ago, Cynthia Dunbar played a central role in the great Texas textbook controversies, moving to inject creationism into the curricula and eliminate Thomas Jefferson from American history — all while blasting public schools as “tyrannical” and calling for making the judicial branch “subordinate” to Congress. Now, she’s gunning for the Republican nomination for Virginia’s 6th congressional district.

Boner Candidate #3: I WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP SOMEONE.

“Kicking, punching, throwing it was horrible. I was honestly in shock I was like how could someone do something like that,” Graduate student Ines Almeida said. She thought she was helping protect a friend who had fallen victim to domestic violence. The Portugal native says her friend was beat up in front of the Brigham Young University- Hawaii (BYUH) fitness center on April 10th. Security cameras captured everything, however Almeida says campus security failed to respond. She says she reported the incident to school officials multiple times.

Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: THIS DIDN’T WORK WHEN I TRIED IT EITHER.

After a Virginia man was reported missing, then found hours later on the side of the road, he told police he was kidnapped, drugged and held against his will by members of a motorcycle gang. The FBI says he fabricated that story and several others so he could disappear and start a new life with his mistress. Larry Wayne Price Jr. was arrested last week and charged with lying to federal authorities. He was being held on a $500,000 bond. Price’s lawyer, Justin Lugar of Roanoke, declined to comment. Prosecutors said after Price’s wife reported him missing April 14, police in his hometown of Bluefield and the county sheriff’s office launched a massive search that included the use of state police helicopters and dogs.

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Boner Candidate #2: SAY CHEESE!

Angenette Welk, 44, smiling in her mugshot following a DUI crash that killed a mother days later, officials say.  (Marion County Sheriff’s Office) A Florida woman sparked a fury after she was photographed smiling ear-to-ear in her mugshot following a drunk driving crash that killed a 60-year-old mother, Florida Highway Patrol said. Angenette Welk, 44, of Ocala, was arrested last Thursday and faces several charges, including driving while under the influence following a crash just after 12 p.m., WKMG reported. Welk was driving down U.S. Highway 27 in Marion County when cops say she failed to brake in time, rear-ending a Hyundai Elantra that then slammed into a tractor-trailer stopped in front of it.

Boner Candidate #3: I KNOW SCIENCE. IT’S BIG ROCKS; LOT’S OF BIG ROCKS.

Mo Brooks is just a plain-spoken man from Alabama with some theories on climate change. Luckily, because everything is terrible, he’s a congressman and sits on the House Science, Space, and Technology Committee so he has a platform to float some of his entirely unfounded ideas like, for instance, sea levels are rising because rocks keep falling in the ocean. With climate scientist Philip Duffy on hand to testify before the committee, per E&E News, Rep. Brooks unleashed a doozy of a theory that posited erosion, the gradual diminution of land masses, could be rising the sea floor and, in turn, ocean levels. As examples to highlight his theory, the representative from Alabama pointed to rocky shorelines across the California coast and the White Cliffs of Dover along the English Channel that break off and tumble into the water every year. “All of that displaces water which forces it to rise, does it not?” Brooks asked. He also suggested that silt from rivers including the Mississippi, Amazon, and Nile could be contributing to the changing levels of the seas.

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