Boners

Boner (Round One and Two) for May 23rd, 2018

Boner Candidate #1: YOU’RE NOT KEVIN ANYMORE; YOU’RE KELVIN.

The internet is full of ‘tattoo fails’. We just can’t seem to get enough of sniggering at the hideous artwork, questionable life choices and unfortunate misspellings that others have permanently etched into their skin. But one Swedish woman has turned her failed tattoo into a whole new identity for her child.  Local newspaper Blekinge Läns Tidning reported over the weekend that 30-year-old Kyrkhult resident Johanna Giselhäll Sandström went to a local tattoo studio around three years ago to get the names of her two children inked on her arm. After consulting with Sandström about the correct placement of the design, the tattoo artist did his thing and Sandström went home with what she thought was a permanent declaration of love to her kids Nova and Kevin. 

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Boner Candidate #2: THE OVEN SHOT ME.

The shooting of a man on Riverview Street Northwest took a surprising twist Sunday night when investigators concluded that the “assailant” was his Maytag oven. Robin L. Garlock, 44, put his revolver in the broiler of the oven for safe-keeping because children were coming to the house, Warren Police Detective Wayne Mackey said Monday. But his girlfriend decided to do some baking Sunday night, apparently unaware of the firepower below the oven. While she was cooking, she heard a “bang” and yelled for Garlock, thinking the sound was a gunshot coming from outside.  “He yelled for her to get down,” Mackey said. Garlock then went to the oven, opened the broiler and tried to secure his revolver. He suffered a minor burn. “It’s too hot. The gun literally spun around because it’s going off,” Mackey said. The heat of the oven eventaully caused bullets in the gun to explode, Mackey said. Either two bullets or bullet fragments struck Garlock in the front of each of his shoulders, Mackey said.

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Boner Candidate #3: RIGHT. THEY’LL BE TAKING WHITE MEN TO INTERNMENT CAMPS ANY DAY NOW.

Richard Paul Evans is the beloved author of the Christmas Box and the Michael Vey series. His Utah roots make him a popular beehive state read, but lately, he has been in the news for all the wrong reasons. At least one fellow female author has accused him of inappropriate behavior claiming that he touched her inappropriately and kissed her at the Comic Con Convention. Evans, in a sit down interview with 2News reporter, Chris Jones, addressed the allegations against him. He also ventured into unexpected territory saying that “there is a war on men, and that men, white men in particular, are under attack, oppressed by a changing culture, victims of an extremist feminist agenda.” “There are books written that say, again that men should be taken out, that they should account for no more than 10% of the population, well that makes men feel like Jews in Nazi Germany,” Evans said.

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Boner Candidate #1: THAT’S RACIST? WELL, THAT’S HOW I WAS RAISED.

A Miami judge who grew up in the Big Apple has come under fire for using the word “moolie” to describe a black defendant. Miami-Dade Circuit Judge Stephen Millan is facing a 30-day suspension and $5,000 fine for his comments, which were made in October 2016 while speaking with the defendant’s lawyer in chambers about scheduling. The 52-year-old admitted to using the offensive term and apologized — claiming it was something he said “intermittently as a ‘youngster’ growing up in New York.” The word is a shortened version of “mulignan” — which is a Sicilian slur that literally translates as “eggplant,” according to court officials. It’s used to describe black people or anyone who has a dark complexion.

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Boner Candidate #2: IF YOU’RE GAY YOU’LL HAVE TO READ EVEN MORE BIBLE VERSES.

An Oregon principal has resigned after a months-long investigation into how the high school under his leadership discriminated against LGBTQ students, including forcing them to read the Bible as punishment. When Liv Funk and Hailey Smith, two female students at North Bend High School in Coos County, began dating, they started to face discrimination — and even threats to their safety — from students and staff alike. For example, one teacher equated homosexuality with bestiality, and the school’s police officer told the young couple they were going to hell. “One of the first major incidents happened just a couple months after the start of my sophomore year,” Funk wrote in a public letter. “My girlfriend and I were walking to her car. The principal’s son was in his car and accelerated very close to us, yelling ‘faggot’ out the window as he drove away.”

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Boner Candidate #3: YOU MUST BE THIS HIGH AND HAVE THIS MANY LEGS TO RIDE.

Retired US Marine bomb technician Johnny “Joey” Jones, who lost both legs to an IED while serving in Afghanistan, is calling on Six Flags to treat people who share his condition with “the same care and thoughtfulness” as other park-goers, after he was told he was kicked off a ride for not having “real legs.” Jones, who walks on two prosthetic legs, further claimed that he’s been permitted on similar rides at theme parks, including Universal Studios, SeaWorld and Disney World, without issue. “They look for a way to accommodate me — not a way to restrict me just because of liability,” Jones said during an appearance on Tuesday’s “Fox and Friends.” Jones first brought his issue with Six Flags to light on Sunday, telling his Twitter followers he had “just got kicked off” the ride at Six Flags Over Georgia by a teenage employee who noticed his prosthetic legs just as he was about to be seated.

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