Boners

Boner (Round One and Two) for November 14th, 2018

ROUND ONE

BONER CANDIDATE #1: YOU PROMISED ME MORE POT FOR THE MAZDA

Marijuana is legal in Oregon, but you can’t barter it for a car. Police in Albany, Oregon, said Tuesday a car dealer posted a Mazda SUV for sale on an online marketplace on Friday. A man contacted the dealer and offered to trade cannabis for the car. Matthew Franks, 38, of Independence, Oregon, showed up at a parking-lot rendezvous site that evening, expecting to meet the car seller. Instead, police were waiting for him. Police spokesman Brad Liles says Franks was arrested and put into the Linn County Jail. Liles says police seized 5.4 pounds of marijuana, less than the agreed-upon amount. Though marijuana is legal in Oregon, sales are regulated and those in the business must be licensed.

BONER CANDIDATE #2: YABBA DABBA DON’T

Fred Flintstone joined celebrities in trouble with the law when a sheriff’s deputy in Pasco County, Florida, pulled him over Nov. 4 for speeding in a Wesley Chapel housing development. Police identified the driver as Mr. Fred Flinstone (sic), and said his real name is Don Swartz. He was nabbed in a Smart car customized to look like the foot-powered caveman car seen in the 1960s cartoon series, according to local station WPTV.  The sheriff’s office said in a Facebook post that Flinstone (aka Swartz) “became unruly” after being issued a speeding citation. He was later released with a notice to appear in court. The post jokes that the prehistoric Smart car was seized and is now part of the police fleet. “This is what Intelligence-Led Policing looked like in the stone age,” said the post, which included pictures of the vehicle and a barefoot driver dressed in Flintstones garb.

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BONER CANDIDATE #3: I’M HERE TO TELL YOU SOMEONE STOLE MY BONG

A man has been arrested after he drove his pickup truck into a courthouse in Mississippi. News outlets reported that the Gulfport Police Department said in a news release that 28-year-old Keith Cavalier told officers he intentionally crashed into the Harrison County Courthouse early Saturday because it was the best way to let them know his drug paraphernalia had been stolen. No one was hurt. Cavalier has been charged with driving under the influence and malicious mischief because of damage to the building. The Gulfport man is being held in the county jail. It was not known if he has an attorney yet. County offices were closed Monday for Veterans Day.

 

ROUND TWO

BONER CANDIDATE #1: ASSAULT AND BATTERY WITH CRISPY BACON

A South Carolina McDonald’s employee was reportedly charged with third degree assault and battery last Friday after she physically confronted her manager. The incident happened around 1:30 p.m. when the Bluffton fast food worker refused to stop eating bacon in the restaurant’s kitchen. According to a police report cited by The State, the manager asked the unidentified employee to stop eating bacon in the kitchen while working. The employee, however, continued to eat the bacon, prompting the manager to tell the employee’s boss. The employee was upset by the manager’s action and reportedly backed the manager into a corner in the kitchen and began to “shove hot crispy bacon in [her] face,” the report said.

BONER CANDIDATE #2: THE CEREBRAL PALSY BRIDGE

Canadian police are investigating after a boy with cerebral palsy was forced to lie down in a stream so students could walk over him. A Facebook video viewed 300,000 times shows 14-year-old Brett Corbett acting as a human bridge across the waterway outside Nova Scotia’s Glace Bay High School as a female student steps on his back without getting wet. “It started as a dare. But then someone threatened to push me,” Brett tells the CBC. “He was told if he didn’t get in, he would be thrown in … so he felt he had no choice,” adds mom Terri McEachern. She tells the Washington Post a total of three students walked on her son during the Nov. 7 incident, leaving her heartbroken. She wasn’t the only one. “Parents; you failed this generation,” a family friend captioned the video he uploaded.

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BONER CANDIDATE #3: I HAVE PLAN. WE DISGUISE OURSELVES AS BUS..

Four people went across a vehicle-only bridge disguised as a yellow bus, but their ruse was quickly discovered by local security.

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