Boners

Boner (Round One and Two) for November 26th, 2018

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: I REALLY HAVE NO PITY FOR THE FOOL

President Donald Trump on Sunday thanked himself for falling oil prices, but what stood out to many wasn’t the moment of self-congratulation. It was a new nickname Trump gave to himself: “President T.”

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Boner Candidate #2: LOOKS LIKE THAT NEW FLUFFY METH TO ME

Dasha Fincher had a bag of blue cotton candy in the car with her when two Monroe County, Georgia, sheriff’s deputies pulled the vehicle over on New Year’s Eve in 2016. The deputies—who said they pulled the car over because of its dark window tint, but allegedly later admitted the windows were legal—asked her about the bag but didn’t believe it was cotton candy. (The Atlanta Journal-Constitution notes Fincher and the driver allegedly had suspended licenses at the time.) A roadside field test said there was meth in the bag and Fincher was arrested and charged with meth trafficking and possession with intent to distribute. She couldn’t pay her $1 million bond and stayed in jail for three months; in March 2017, Georgia Bureau of Investigation tests revealed there had been no meth in the bag. Four weeks later, charges were dropped, and now Fincher is suing over the whole ordeal, WMAZ reports.

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Boner Candidate #3: THE U.S.HAS THE BEST HEALTH CARE SYSTEM IN THE WORLD

Here is an American story. Hedda Martin needs a heart transplant. She applied for a heart transplant. Shortly before Thanksgiving, the Spectrum Health Richard Devos Heart and Lung Transplant Center in Grand Rapids, Michigan, got back to her to say that she could not have a heart transplant, because she doesn’t have enough money to pay for the immunosuppressant drugs she would need to make sure her body accepts the new heart. The hospital recommended that she should set up a “fundraising effort.” Martin’s story started to go viral on Saturday, a few days after she posted a public update on her condition to her Facebook page, largely because it’s a perfect example of how the for-profit health insurance system is destroying American lives. Congresswoman-elect Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, who has campaigned for Medicare for All, picked up the post as well.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: CALL ME MR. FAILS.

Deputies arrested a man who twice drove a stolen car to a pawn shop to sell stolen merchandise in Collier County. Earlier this month, a family member stopped by the victim’s seasonal house in East Naples while they were away. When they arrived, they noticed that a red 2015 Hyundai was missing, along with a 32-inch TV and other items. An investigation by the Collier County Sheriff’s Office led them to Capital Pawn, roughly a five-minute drive down the street, where surveillance footage showed the TV being sold for $50. That was five days before anyone noticed it was gone. Deputies believe the man who stole and sold the TV was Bobby Fails, who drove to the pawn shop in the stolen Hyundai. Law enforcement placed a hold on the television, and several days later, they caught a break.

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Boner Candidate #2: HE LOOKS LIKE A GROWN ASS MAN

The man who posed as an 11th grade student Stoke High School in England. East Anglia News Service When it’s all over, this man may have a career waiting in Hollywood! All a 30-something-year-old man had to do to convince British school administrators he belonged in an 11th-grade classroom was shave his beard and don a uniform. The unidentified man, known only as Siavash, played a 15-year-old schoolboy for six weeks at Stoke HS in Ipswich, England. Perceptive students seemed to immediately sense something was amiss when they noticed the 6-foot, 1-inch man sitting beside them. “How’s there a 30-year-old man in our maths class?” a teen student wrote alongside a picture of the new classmate he posted to Snapchat.

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Boner Candidate #3: THE POLICE SHOULD CHECK FOR CRACK COCAINE TOO.

A man who laughed at police after they found no drugs in his pocket was later found to have hidden a bag of cocaine in his penis after a strip-search, a court heard. Newcastle man James Mason told officers “f**k off you’re not searching me before saying “ha ha, told you I had f*** all on us, you mugs”, when they found nothing in his pockets. The 21-year-old was arrested for being drunk and disorderly after swearing at police one too many times after an incident at a student accommodation. But on the way to the police station officers witnessed Mason fiddling with his socks before putting his hands down his pants. When they reached the station police demanded he is strip searched. Mason then “removed his trousers, pulled back his foreskin and pulled a white bag of powder from his penis”.

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