Boners

Boner (Round One and Two) for November 28th, 2018

ROUND ONE

BONER CANDIDATE #1: IF YOU HAVE A CHARITY NAMED “SEAFAIR PIRATES”, THERE’S GOING TO BE TROUBLE.

The Holiday Treasure Chest Charity Foundation and founder Mark Bergeson are being sued by Washington state Attorney General Bob Ferguson for allegedly misusing funds. Ferguson’s lawsuit alleges that Bergeson has withdrawn more than $280,000 in cash from the charity’s checking account since 2013. Account records show thousands of dollars worth of purchases for fuel, groceries and meals, a cellphone, cable and internet, according to Ferguson’s office. Additional records show Bergeson used the charity account to allegedly pay for a resort stay in Friday Harbor, a hotel room in Ocean Shores, and a subscription to Match.com, an online dating service. Holiday Treasure Chest was created about a decade ago as the charity arm of the Seattle Seafair Pirates. The two organizations parted ways in 2013. A dispute between the two resulted in a settlement that kept the foundation from using the name “Seafair Pirates” and soliciting on their behalf.

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BONER CANDIDATE #2: MY SHOT GUN WILL BREAK UP A FIGHT I’LL TELL YOU WHAT.

The North Carolina man retrieved a shotgun after two sons began to fight while arguing about protests during the national anthem.
A father in Cary, North Carolina, has been charged after his 21-year-old son was shot during an argument with his brother on Thanksgiving about NFL players kneeling during the national anthem. According to a local CBS News affiliate, search warrants obtained Tuesday have identified the father as 51-year-old Jorge Luis Valencia Lamadrid. Esteban Valencia, whose injuries are not considered life-threatening, was shot after becoming embroiled in a physical fight with his brother over the protests. The protests began in 2016 when then-San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick took a knee during the national anthem before NFL games as a silent protest against racial injustice. Conservative critics, including President Donald Trump, have wrongly accused Kaepernick of disrespecting the flag and the military. According to the warrants, Lamadrid retrieved a shotgun when he was unable to separate his two sons after their argument turned physical.

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BONER CANDIDATE #3: IF SHE WANTS SEX, YOU HAVE SEX

A Florida Woman battered her boyfriend after he “said no and went back to bed” after she “grabbed his genitals wanting to have sex” on Thanksgiving night, cops say. Rebecca Lynn Phelps, 31, was arrested for domestic battery following a confrontation in the Tampa-area home she shares with the victim and the couple’s child. Phelps’s arrest was the second time in 14 months that she was busted for allegedly battering a man who did not want to have sex with her, records show. Investigators allege that the victim was sleeping late Thursday night when Phelps entered their bedroom seeking to have sex. After Phelps groped her partner’s private parts, the “victim said no and went back to sleep,” according to a criminal complaint. Phelps subsequently returned to the bedroom and started “tapping” the man’s leg. “The victim pretended to be asleep to ignore the defendant who is intoxicated,” cops noted. Phelps then allegedly “scratched the victim on his left eye causing it to swell and turn black and blue.” Phelps, who told cops she did not touch the victim, was arrested on a misdemeanor domestic battery charge. She was released yesterday morning from the county jail after posting $100 bond.

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ROUND TWO

BONER CANDIDATE #1: IT IS POSSIBLE TO TAKE POLITICAL CORRECTNESS TOO FAR.

The Dorchester Historical Society has apologized for an invite that backfired. The invitation for their annual “Holiday Open House” was titled “We’re dreaming of a white Dorchester.” They say they were just making a play on the words of the song “White Christmas” and did not mean to imply that others would be left out. “We are very truly sorry about our graphic used for this event. This was an unfortunate oversight on our part and the event photograph has been removed from our social media. We were simply changing the words to the classic Christmas carol and did not think it through properly,” the society tweeted. “Thank you for alerting us to this matter as we certainly do not want to project that message, even if completely accidentally. Again, thank you.” The title of the online invitation now says, “May your Dorchester days be merry and bright.”

Boston Mayor Marty Walsh said it was a case of “good people” who made “a big mistake.” “They certainly didn’t mean anything mean or vicious or racist about it. I felt really bad when I saw it last night because they do a lot of good work there, they’re a non-profit that doesn’t have a lot of money,” Walsh told reporters Tuesday.

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BONER CANDIDATE #2: THE DREADED INCHWORM BANDIDTS

A group of thieves, dubbed the “inchworm bandits” for their bizarre MO, stole hundreds of dollars from a Texas restaurant on Sunday. The three burglars broke into Piggy’s Kitchen and Bar in Houston after hours, crawling along the floor in what appears to be an attempt to avoid the cameras.
The three hooded bandits smashed the front window of the business and then made their way through the dining room and behind the bar, not standing up until they reached the kitchen, Click 2 Houston reports. “The staff has taken to calling them the ‘inchworm bandits,’” restaurant manager Christopher Grinnell told Click 2 Houston. “They’re inch-worming their way across my dining room floor, all the way to the kitchen.”
The thieves made off with $450, tip money for the servers who worked over the weekend. They also caused an estimated $2,000 worth of damage.
This is the third time Piggy’s has been broken into. The last time, the thieves used a sledgehammer and crowbar to get inside, and then stole about five bottles of tequila.

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BONER CANDIDATE #3: WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT MY BAKED POTATOES?!

A man is accused of stabbing a woman in the head during an argument over a baked potato, WJAX reports. Kenneth Crumpton, 36, of Yulee, Florida, is charged with aggravated battery with a deadly weapon. Deputies said Crumpton stabbed a woman in the head with a fork after he apparently got angry about his baked potato being undercooked. The woman had multiple stab wounds but refused treatment, according to a report obtained by WJAX. Crumpton was booked into the Nassau County Jail.

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