Boners

Boner (Round One and Two) for November 2nd, 2018

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: SHALL I IRON YOUR SHOELACES FOR YOU SIR?

Being first in line for the British throne may have gone to Prince Charles’ head. The Prince of Wales, 69, has reportedly earned a special nickname among the staff at Clarence House: The Pampered Prince. That’s because, according to Amazon Prime’s new documentary “Serving the Royals: Inside the Firm,” Charles needs help doing just about everything. “His pajamas are pressed every morning, his shoelaces are pressed flat with an iron, the bath plug has to be in a certain position and the water temperature has to be just tepid,” Princess Diana’s former butler, Paul Burrell, revealed in the documentary, per Yahoo.

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Boner Candidate #2: CONGRESSMAN FARTENBERRY IS NOT AMUSED

Nebraska congressman Jeff Fortenberry’s office allegedly threatened a professor for liking a Facebook picture that showed a campaign sign vandalized to say “Jeff Fartenberry,” according to a report. Political science professor Ari Kohen said he just thought it was funny when he came across the image showing a Fortenberry campaign sign pasted over with googly eyes and the “O” in the candidate’s name changed to an “A,” the Lincoln Journal Star reported. “I know this is not high comedy,” he told local papers. “It was Sunday, I was bored and got a laugh out of it. I clicked ‘like’ because I found it amusing.”

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Boner Candidate #3: THE BIBLICAL BASIS FOR WAR.

A Washington state politician has suggested in a manifesto that all men who support abortion and gay marriage be killed, among other extreme religious views. Washington state Rep. Matt Shea admitted Wednesday that he wrote and distributed the four-page document, called the “Biblical Basis for War,” which includes 14 sections on how biblical war can and would unfold. Shea, a Republican who represents Spokane in the state’s House, is up for re-election in the midterms next week. He did not immediately respond to a request for comment. The document asserts that all men must oppose abortion, gay marriage, communism, and occultism when Biblical war begins. Otherwise, they will be murdered. “If they do not yield — kill all males,” the document reads.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: YOU SAY YOU WANT SOME SPEED BUMPS HUH?

A Florida mayor is accused of soliciting sex from a constituent in exchange for speed bumps, according to the Florida Commission on Ethics and local reports. In a press release on Oct. 24, the commission found that there was probable cause to find that David Stewart, the mayor of Lantana, Florida, “misused his position to attempt to obtain a sexual benefit for himself.” Stewart solicited sex from a constituent “based on an understanding his vote, official action, or judgment would be influenced,” the commission said. Catherine Padilla, 54, a caregiver for the elderly who has lived in Lantana since 1984, filed two complaints this year that Stewart had made a sexual innuendo at her during a banquet and that he had solicited sex for the speed bumps, according to documents from the commission.

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Boner Candidate #2: HOW MUCH CAN YOU GET FOR AN EYEBALL?

Four men were arrested in China after stealing a dead patient’s eyeballs from a hospital mortuary as part of an organ-trading ring. The man died of organ failure Tuesday at Ningxiang People’s Hospital in Hunan province, Yahoo News reported. “A cotton ball was put in the left eye, while a surgical tool used to expand the eye socket was in the right. His eyeballs were taken away,” his sister wrote on social media platform WeChat. “I feel so sad. It’s too gruesome,” she added. The alleged eye-gougers, who included mortuary employees, were arrested for theft and defiling a corpse.

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Boner Candidate #3: NOTHIN’ A MAN CAN DO ABOUT THAT “INVOLUNTARY SURGE OF PLEASURE”

American Taliban: A Christian pastor who often spoke at Trump rallies argues women who dress provocatively commit sexual assault against men. In a ridiculous bit of Jesus inspired misogyny, Carl Gallups, a conservative Christian pastor who spoke at Trump campaign rallies during the 2016 election, argues that women are “sexually assaulting” men by dressing in a provocative manner . Discussing the matter on his radio program late last week, Gallups and his guest Mike Shoesmith, who recently wrote a post claiming that women who dress provocatively around men are guilty of sexual assault, turned the issue of sexual assault upside down.


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