Boners

Boner (Round One and Two) for November 5th, 2018

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: SHE DEFINITELY OUTRANKS THE COMMANDER OF CHEESE

Kellyanne Conway has taken numerous jabs at Hillary Clinton, calling her “graceless,” “dangerous” and less popular than her husband Bill, but on Sunday, she added a new smear to her list: “the queen of abortion.” In a Fox & Friends interview that morning, Conway, who serves as a counselor to President Donald Trump, bashed Democrats for what she described as their failure to focus on an array of issues rather than just one, taking aim at women’s right to choose in particular. “I have noticed, also, that the Democrats aren’t talking much about abortion this time and that’s because they tried that for so long,” she said. “They tried it with the queen of abortion in 2016 and it backfired for then because so many women said, ‘Excuse me, you have to talk to me on all the issues.’”

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Boner Candidate #2: SORRY ABOUT THE STRESS

Residents clamored on social media in the early morning hours Saturday wondering about the cause for helicopters hovering over homes rattling windows and the sounds of serious police response. Later around 5 a.m. Ogden police posted on Facebook explaining the department was assisting in a planned military training exercise. Joint military and law enforcement training is routinely carried out, according to the post, to provide soldiers the opportunity to train in realistic environments. “There is no denying — it was loud and it was late,” the police post says. “Some were unsure of what was going on. Some woke up scared and confused. And for that, we apologize. We did not utilize social media because a crowd would have meant more people and less safety for everyone involved.”

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Boner Candidate #3: I NEED A RIDE TO BINGO…AND A PASTY.

A retiree made hundreds of expletive laden 999 calls demanding pasties and lifts to bingo. Lena Taylor was convicted of making nuisance calls to the emergency services in July, and received a two-year conditional discharge. The 90-year-old was back in court last month having made another 420 calls to the emergency services between July 14 and August 30, Chronicle Live reports. But the determined OAP, of Wallsend, Tyneside made her hat trick of appearances in the dock this week following a further nine abusive phone calls. Taylor walked free from North Tyneside Magistrates’ Court after pleading guilty to a malicious communications offence.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: I WAS SURE THEY’D NEVER CATCH THE FLYING DOG.

A Texas woman wearing an oversized dog’s head costume yesterday robbed a Houston convenience before leading cops on a vehicle chase that ended with her arrest, police report. According to investigators, Colleen Dickens, a 30-year-old mother of two, robbed a Stripes store of cigarettes and $10 in cash Thursday morning. She then fled the scene in an auto, but was quickly apprehended by police officers. After a short chase, Dickens emerged from her car wearing a large dog’s head. Police seized the furry costume part (seen above) as evidence. Dickens was named yesterday in criminal complaints charging her with robbery and using a motor vehicle to evade arrest or detention, both felonies. Dickens, a Houston resident, is being held in the Harris County jail in lieu of $12,500 bail.

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Boner Candidate #2: THESE ARE THE PEOPLE TEACHING YOUR CHILDREN IDAHO.

Middleton Heights Elementary employees hold cardboard painted like a brick wall, adorned with President Trump’s campaign slogan, “Make America Great Again.” An Idaho school district is under fire after more than a dozen of its staffers dressed up as Mexican stereotypes — and a border wall — for Halloween. Since deleted photos posted to Middleton School District’s Facebook page show Middleton Heights Elementary employees dressed in sombreros and ponchos while wearing fake mustaches and holding maracas. A second group smiles as they hold pieces of cardboard painted like a brick wall, adorned with President Trump’s campaign slogan, “Make America Great Again.” The images, according to Beth Almanza, an immigrant rights advocate in Idaho, were “heartbreaking.”

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Boner Candidate #3: I GUESS THIS WASN’T THE BEST DECISION I COULD HAVE MADE.

A county prosecutor who had received death threats signed a gun out of the sheriff’s evidence room only to have it stolen a month later. Though the events happened in 2013, the gun never was recovered. And Walt Wilkins, 13th Judicial Circuit solicitor for Greenville and Pickens counties in South Carolina, is facing repercussions in his bid for re-election Tuesday. “I was very concerned about my ability to successfully prosecute that case,” said Lisa Parrish, a former assistant solicitor assigned the case while working for Wilkins. “The gun in question, again if I recall, was an essential piece of the probable cause for the officers to get inside the car and search it.” Signing out evidence in a pending case can be problematic because it affects the chain of custody in a case, according to Wilkins’ political adversaries.

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