Boners

Boner (Round One and Two) for September 5th, 2018

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: VERY FUNNY UNTIL SOMEONE SLICES A FINGER OFF.

As Halloween draws near, it’s time to start thinking about macabre ways to prank your friends. The ol’ “fake knife with a notch” is a classic way to make it look like you’ve almost sliced off a finger, but in Japan, one such novelty prop kit was reportedly packaged with real, razor-sharp hobby knives instead of the fake ones. Japanese newspaper Asahi Shimbun reports that Daiso, the Japanese equivalent of one of our dollar stores, has been selling prank “Dokkiri Cutters” featuring a finger-sized notch and a retractable blade that’s actually made from metal, but left dull for added safety. It’s useless for cutting paper, but a great way to terrify a five-year-old who’s never seen this gag before.

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Boner Candidate #2: THERE! DON’T THE FISH LOOK BETTER?

The cops definitely sensed something fishy going on here, didn’t they? A store in Kuwait was reportedly shut down after local police discovered the owners were sticking googly eyes on the fish they were selling to try and make them look… more fresh. Images were shared on Twitter by Al Bayan newspaper on Saturday, prompting many witty responses and spot-on fish puns.

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Boner Candidate #3: WELCOME BACK TO SCHOOL YOUNG STUDENTS.

A Chinese kindergarten principal has been fired after she welcomed students back to school at the beginning of term with a pole dancing display. Hundreds of children and parents at the Xinshahui kindergarten in Shenzhen, in the southern province of Guangdong, watched as a female pole dancer performed on a flag pole in a large courtyard. Videos posted by parents on Monday show the skimpily-dressed dancer spinning and leaning seductively on the flagpole, from which a Chinese flag was flying. Speaking to state media, the principal, Lai Rong, said there had been 500 children aged 3 to 6 and 100 parents in attendance.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: THIS IS HOW WE DO IN WEST VIRGINIA.

A TV anchor in West Virginia was injured in a bar fight with a station meteorologist who had apparently been hitting on the newsreader’s husband. WSAZ’s Erica Bivens suffered a skull fracture and a ruptured eardrum during the scuffle with forecaster Chelsea Ambriz, according to the Herald-Dispatch newspaperBivens told investigators that Ambriz started making a play on her husband at a bar in Huntington on Aug. 26. “Erica advised that she had problems with Chelsea in the past as far as her being aggressive toward her,” read the police report obtained by FTV Live. “Erica said that her and her husband didn’t think anything of it until later in the evening Chelsea began to hit on Donald.”

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Boner Candidate #2: DON’T BE TELLING ME HOW TO RAISE MY BOY.

Police and social workers are investigating a woman who was recorded repeatedly dunking her 3-year-old son’s head in a toilet and flushing it. In a statement issued Sunday, the Leesburg Police Department said detectives are working with prosecutors to determine whether to bring charges against the woman, who has been identified as Kaitlyn Wolf. Since the video went viral, officers have had to park outside the woman’s central Florida home in response to multiple threats. Wolf told WKMG the video has been taken out of context and that the screaming boy also was laughing. She says he said, “Let’s do it again” when the video was finished. Wolf said the video wasn’t intended for Facebook. The Orlando Sentinel reports the video was posted by the girlfriend of the child’s father.

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Boner Candidate #3: WE WERE HOLDING THE MONEY FOR HIM.

A homeless man, John Bobbitt, is suing Kate McClure and her boyfriend Mark D’Amico, saying the couple kept all but $75,000 of the $400,000 they raised for him online. Go fund yourself! The New Jersey couple who raised $400,000 for a homeless man has been accused of blowing through the dough after giving the intended recipient only $75,000. An attorney for displaced Philadelphia veteran John Bobbitt claims New Jersey residents Kate McClure and Mark D’Amico are unable to honor a judge’s order to put money collected for his client through a GoFundMe page into an escrow account because it’s gone. Bobbitt’s attorney Chris Fallon told ABC News that the plaintiff’s lawyers informed him of the missing cash.

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