ROUND ONE
BONER CANDIDATE # 1: THIS WILL WAKE HIM UP.
A school resource officer in Ohio has been put on unpaid leave after she used her department-issued Taser to roust a student who had fallen asleep in class. According to the Washington Post, a junior at Liberty Preparatory School in Smithville, Ohio was having trouble staying awake during class. After his teacher failed to wake the student, she tried summoning the interim principal for help, who was also unable to wake him. That’s when the educators decided to call in the school resource officer, a part-time member of the local police named Maryssa Boskoski. When asked to wake the student, Boskoski reached into her holster and pulled out her department-issued Taser. Witnesses say she removed the firing cartridge from the weapon, and pulled the trigger, causing a sharp electric buzz that scared the student awake.
BONER CANDIDATE # 2: WE’LL NAME HIM EITHER POKEY OR JOINT.
A former Denver County Jail inmate says her son’s life was put at risk when she was forced to give birth in a jail cell as deputies ignored her pleas to be taken to a hospital. Diana Sanchez gave birth to a baby boy on July 31 with no anesthetics or serious medical treatment until after her son was born, according to KDVR. “The pain is indescribable and what hurts me more though is that fact that nobody cared,” Sanchez said. The Denver Sheriff Department and Denver Health Medical Center said they are investigating if employees failed to get Sanchez timely medical treatment. The Denver Sheriff Department said the 26-year-old mom had been in custody since July 14 for charges related to identity theft.
BONER CANDIDATE # 3:GO BACK TO THE 1920’S
One Kentucky high school student was arrested and jailed following an altercation with her school’s resource officer over a dispute sparked by her so-called dress code protest T-shirt. On Aug. 23, Isabella Messer wore an oversize turquoise T-shirt to Hopkinsville High School with the message “Do my shoulders turn you on?” printed across the front, the Lexington Herald Leader reports. On the back, the shirt read, “If so, return to the 1920’s.” Isabella’s mother, Theresa Rucks, told the outlet that parents were not informed of changes to the dress code for the 2018-2019 school year prior to the start of classes. Rucks alleges that the new rules ban “exposed shoulders” and “see-through white clothes.” According to WBKO, Isabella had previously been stopped for a dress code violation for showing her shoulders. Rucks then had the T-shirt made for her daughter to protest the new policy. According to the Herald Leader, the controversial T-shirt was a “large size” and covered the teen from “neck to elbows and to her bottom.”
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ROUND TWO
BONER CANDIDATE # 1: I’M NOT KIDDING! GET OFF MY LAWN!
A Virginia man may have gone a little too far to keep pesky kids off his lawn — by installing an electric fence around his property, according to a new report. Bryan Tucker, who lives near a bus stop in Henrico County where middle and high schoolers congregate, said he put up the fence because he grew tired of students trespassing and leaving trash on his property. “I’m not in charge of other people’s children,” Tucker told local station ABC 8. “I’m not directing other people’s children what to do. All I can do is protect myself and that’s why I’ve got a fence up.” He claimed “No Trespassing” signs have done little to keep young intruders away. “It says no trespassing for any purpose,” he told the station. “Strictly forbidden. Violators will be prosecuted.” But Tucker did not post a sign to warn children of the electric fence, which prompted concerned parents to call the cops.
BONER CANDIDATE # 2: SCIENCE PROVES HIS SOUND MINDEDNESS.
Excerpts from Bob Woodward’s upcoming book, Fear, claim that White House chief of staff John Kelly described President Donald Trump as “unhinged” and “an idiot.” An op-ed by an anonymous senior official published in The New York Times on Wednesday said Trump’s instability has prompted talk among Cabinet members of invoking the 25th Amendment to remove the president from office. But a guest on Fox News said Trump ― a self-described “stable genius” ― was of sound mind. Gina Loudon, a member of Trump’s “media advisory board” and author of the book Mad Politics, told Fox News host Sean Hannity: “My book actually uses science and real data and true psychological theory to explain why it is quite possible that this president is the most sound-minded person to ever occupy the White House.” “Literally, liberals’ heads are going to explode at what you just said,” Hannity replied. “They’re exploding right now,” she laughed. On Twitter, Loudon repeated her claim in somewhat less scientific terms. “The country is better than its ever been, but Trump is mean waaaaah wahhhhh!!” she wrote, followed by some crying emojis and “can we move on?”
BONER CANDIDATE # 3: I LOVE HIM NO MATTER WHAT.
A man faked his own kidnapping and demanded £80 in ransom money from his terrified pregnant girlfriend so he could go drinking with his mates. Leigh Ford, 45, staged a series of frantic phone calls to his partner Zoe Doyle claiming his kidnappers would break his legs, cut off his genitals and throw boiling water over him. Leigh Ford’s partner Zoe Doyle said she had been left frantic after receiving a call demanding ransom money. The alleged kidnap sparked a major 24-hour police operation costing £30,000 that eventually saw Ford’s claims fall to pieces after CCTV footage showed him leaving a shop with two friends carrying booze.
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