Boners

Boner (Round One) for April 13th, 2017

Boner Candidate #1: HITLER LINCOLN

Abraham Lincoln’s name is frequently invoked as one the greatest — if not the greatest — leaders ever produced on American soil. Adolf Hitler’s name is frequently invoked as one of the worst — if not the worst — human beings ever produced on Planet Earth, a man worthy of enough scorn that his name is a colloquial benchmark for what constitutes evil (i.e., “That guy sucks, but he’s no Adolf Hitler”). Aside from being born in the same century, these two men would seem to have very little in common, unless you’re asking North Carolina lawmaker Larry Pittman. The Republican General Assembly member from Cabarrus County this week called the 16th president “the same sort (of) tyrant” as Adolf Hitler,” according to the Charlotte Observer. Pittman made the comparison on Facebook while responding to a commenter who was critical of legislation the lawmaker has introduced that seeks to bring an end to same-sex marriage in North Carolina, the Observer reported. Pittman’s bill maintains that the “U.S. Supreme Court overstepped with its 2015 ruling that effectively voided an amendment to North Carolina’s constitution forbidding same-sex marriage,” according to the Associated Press. Pittman appeared to be arguing that the definition of marriage should be left to the states, the Observer reported, when he wrote that North Carolina should ignore same-sex marriage “in spite of the opinion of a federal court.” “And if Hitler had won, should the world just get over it?” he added. “Lincoln was the same sort if (sic) tyrant, and personally responsible for the deaths of over 800,000 Americans in a war that was unnecessary and unconstitutional.”

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Boner Candidate #2: OFFICER, WILL YOU MAKE SURE MY HOUSE IS OKAY?

A Florida man who asked deputies to make sure there wasn’t an invader inside his home was arrested when they discovered marijuana plants instead. The Lee County Sheriff’s Office said deputies responded Saturday to the North Fort Myers home of Nathan Stone, 23, who called to report that his house appeared to have been targeted by a break-in. Deputies said Stone appeared visibly frightened when they arrived and he asked them to go inside his house first to make sure there weren’t any remaining burglars.The sheriff’s office said the deputies agreed to Stone’s request and went inside to discover he was using his home as a marijuana grow house, with cannabis plants discovered in the living room, bathroom and a bedroom. Stone and an 18-year-old girl were arrested and charged with marijuana producing, marijuana possession over 20 grams and related charges. The arrest report said a gun was apparently stolen in the break-in that led to Stone calling the sheriff’s office.

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Boner Candidate #3: COULD HAVE WAITED UNTIL THEY’D BEEN ON A FEW DATES

Police say a Phoenix man has been arrested for allegedly stealing a woman’s purse during a first date. They say 38-year-old David Harlow met the woman on an online dating site and two talked for several weeks before meeting in person at a Phoenix resort. During the date, the unidentified woman went to the restroom and asked Harlow to watch her belongings. When she got back, Harlow and her purse were reportedly gone. Police say Harlow allegedly took the victim’s credit card to a casino and tried to withdraw money from several banks. They say Harlow has been booked into jail on suspicion of felony theft, theft of a credit card and taking the identity of another person. It was unclear Tuesday if Harlow has a lawyer yet.

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