Boners

Boner (Round One) for August 15th, 2017

Boner Candidate #1: COME ON, IT WAS JUST ONE ROTTING FOOT

Mourners at a New Jersey cemetery received a horrific shock when a corpse’s rotting foot from an adjoining grave was uncovered during a Brooklyn man’s burial. After Cleveland Butler died following a stroke at a Brooklyn nursing home, the 85-year-old man’s family gathered for his funeral last week at Mount Holiness Memorial Park in Butler. The Daily News reports the burial uncovered a moldering foot of a neighboring corpse that fell on top of Butler’s coffin during the eulogy. Workers then quickly filled in the grave. Daughter Sandra Butler called the incident traumatizing.

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Boner Candidate #2: DON’T TRY TO STOP A WOOKIE WHO WANTS TO SKI

A Chewbacca wannabe was accused of beating a worker with his snowboard at an Australian ski resort after the staffer banned him from riding with the Wookiee costume on, according to a report. The 51-year-old, whose identity was not released, whacked the worker at the Thredbo ski resort in the Snowy Mountains of New South Wales over the weekend, leaving the victim, also 51, with “facial and dental injuries,” The Daily Telegraph reported, citing police. The man in the “Chewie” getup of “Star Wars” fame was nabbed on a charge of using an offensive weapon to commit an indictable act, according to the news outlet.

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Boner Candidate #3: THIS MEAN-NESS OF SPIRIT IS STAGGERING

Blanding has been the epicenter of anti-Bears Ears National Monument sentiment and a hotbed for vitriol against environmentalists and the federal government promoting public land protections. A common refrain from that San Juan County community is that “outsiders” are ruining their lives and preventing them from getting good jobs. Now, unlike its southeastern Utah neighbors of Monticello and Moab, the Blanding City Council has denied a request to allow families taking in foster children to include those kids on their annual passes to use the city’s public swimming pool. Can’t be giving handouts to foster kids without giving the same benefit to everybody else. That would be giving unfair special treatment to a certain class, the City Council surmised in a public hearing last month.

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