Boners

Boner (Round One) for August 7th, 2017

Boner Candidate #1: THE CAR STARTED IT

Bryce Steven Boos is facing a felony charge after he allegedly punched and wiped feces on a car at a Great Falls dealership. Court documents state that an officer was sent to the dealership after a caller reported that Boos punched a car and then put his hands down his pants and smeared feces down the length of the car. The caller also reported that Boos was wearing a “knife holster.” After the officer stopped Boos near the intersection of 35th Street South and 8th Avenue South, Boos stated that the dealership should have given him money for returning keys he found on the sidewalk. According to the documents, the officer put Boos inside the patrol car and Boos began to hit his head against the patrol car window.

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Boner Candidate #2: YOU HAVE CONSIDERABLE TALENTS MY DEAR

A stunning model who tried to nick $1,314 worth of designer goods from Harrods has been let off with a conditional discharge after a judge praised her “considerable talents.” Blonde Natalia Sikorska, 28, was caught as she tried to sneak out of the famous Knightsbridge store with a Markus Lupfer jacket, a pair of Claudie Pierlot shoes, a Pinko handbag and silver knife. The Polish model and actress is also studying business management and economics at the University of Westminster.

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Boner Candidate #3: HOO-RAY FOR JIF TIP

An alarming new product lets men seal their urethras shut before sex, supposedly in order to protect their penises and stop anything getting out. The new product, called a Jiftip, has raised concerns among health experts, who warned there is no evidence that the penis sticker is safe or effective. Jifitip is a trademarked product described as an “adhesive flexible sticker covering just the urethra for the containment of urine and semen.” The stickers, which are currently being sold in three-packs for $6, were designed to replace condoms as a more convenient and less intrusive way to cover yourself up.

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