Boners

Boner (Round One) for January 10th, 2018

Boner Candidate #1: I’M NOT DEAD YET

He must have been dead tired. A Spanish prisoner declared dead by three doctors was only snoozing, a conclusion made by a coroner after he heard the man snoring — minutes before cutting into him for an autopsy on Sunday, according to reports. Relatives said Gonzalo Montoya Jiménez “had autopsy markings on him, ready to be opened up” when a doctor at the Legal Medicine in Oviedo heard him sawing wood inside his body bag, the BBC reported citing Spanish-language outlet La Voz de Asturias. Jiménez, who had been imprisoned for 29 years, was found unresponsive in his Asturias jail cell the day before, and three separate doctors signed a death certificate before he was set to be dissected.

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Boner Candidate #2: HE PILFERED THE FAMILY PUPPY.

Authorities say a North Carolina man has been charged with stealing his stepdaughter’s puppy and selling it to buy drugs. The Wayne County Sheriff’s Office told local media outlets 41-year-old Christopher O’Neal Eakes was arrested Monday and charged with larceny of a dog. The 8-week-old Yorkshire terrier was reported stolen from a Dudley home on New Year’s Day. An investigation by the sheriff’s office determined the stepfather of the victim sold the puppy to buy drugs. Authorities said the family who bought the puppy didn’t know it had been stolen. The puppy was found and returned to its owner.

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Boner Candidate #3: WE ARE SO PROUD OF OUR BRAVE PASTOR.

Megachurch pastor Andy Savage made a confession this past Sunday at Highpoint Church in Memphis, Tennessee. “As a college student on staff at a church in Texas more than 20 years ago, I regretfully had a sexual incident with a female high school senior in the church,” he said. His request for forgiveness got a standing ovation from the congregation. Jules Woodson was 17 years old when she says she was sexually assaulted by Savage during a ride home from church. At the time, Savage was a 22-year-old youth minister at a Houston church. Woodson recently went public about her story on a Christian blog. “I did it because I was scared and I was in shock and I didn’t understand what was happening,” Woodson said.

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