Boners

Boner (Round One) for January 3rd, 2018

Boner Candidate #1: I WASN’T TRYING TO GET VIEWS.

The celebrity YouTuber Logan Paul has apologised after sparking outrage by posting a video showing the body of an apparent suicide victim in Japan. The 22-year-old American, who has 15 million subscribers on YouTube, was labelled “disrespectful” and “disgusting” after he joked with his friends about discovering the body in Aokigahara forest, a notorious suicide spot at the base of Mount Fuji. The video, which Paul posted on Sunday, received millions of views before it was removed. Paul and his friends, who are filming from various locations in Japan, reportedly came across the body moments after entering the forest. Their video showed the body of a man, whose identity is unknown, from several angles but blurs his face. A member of the group is heard remarking that he “doesn’t feel good”. Paul replies: “What, you never stand next to a dead guy?” and then laughs.

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Boner Candidate #2: NOT MINE. DON’T KNOW HOW IT GOT THERE.

No ifs, ands or butts about it. That’s the message a Pennsylvania judicial panel sent to an inmate who claimed a balloon full of synthetic marijuana in his rear end wasn’t his. The ruling last week came after Edwin Wylie-Biggs appealed the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania’s additional sentence for having the contraband material, arguing it didn’t have sufficient evidence. He was hit with an extra three to six years last April for the offense, on top of an existing prison term in Allegheny County, which was upheld in a trial court a month later, according to the five-page ruling. A corrections officer testified that he told Wylie-Biggs to bend over during a strip search, having seen another inmate pass him something. When Wylie-Biggs spread his buttocks “a clear plastic bag containing a small blue balloon could be seen sticking out of his rectum,” according to the court document.

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Boner Candidate #3: THOR VS THE REPO MAN

The only person Thor hates more than Loki is the repo man! Floridan Thor Yarabek unleashed a fury of epic proportions on a tow-truck driver who tried to repossess his truck — storming his vehicle and firing several gunshots, according to a report Tuesday. “The name of the individual that was shooting at me is Y-a-r-a-b-e-k, Thor Yarabek,” the unnamed victim said in a 911 call, according to ClickOrlando.com. “Thor, like, the superhero?” the 911 operator asked. “Thor, like, yeah, like the god, the Viking god,” the victim replied — adding that, like the comic book superhero, he was “huge, [in] every way.” The tow-truck driver had been hauling away the massive man’s GMC truck in Melbourne at 5 a.m. when he got out to turn off its emergency brakes, the local news site reported. He then saw Yarabek running toward him — but instead of an enchanted hammer, he was wielding a gun, authorities told the site.

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