Boners

Boner (Round Two) for January 3rd, 2018

Boner Candidate #1: LOOKS LIKE WE’LL HAVE TO USE THE ANGLE GRINDER

Doctors and nurses at Ipswich Hospital, Suffolk, called for the help of the fire brigade after lube failed to help.

A team of 10 firefighters turned up and they tried to use hydraulic equipment to free the man, but that didn’t work either. The crew from the second fire engine turned up at around 4.15am and they used cutting equipment to free the unidentified man. The spokesman said: ‘Fire crews were called for assistance by the East of England Ambulance Service. ‘They attended Ipswich Hospital in the early hours of Saturday morning and removed a large ring from the base of a man’s penis. ‘It was finally cut off with the a small piece of cutting equipment.. We cannot give any other details.’ It is not known if the patient required any further medical assistance. A spokesman for Ipswich Hospital said she was unable to provide any details.

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Boner Candidate #2: IT REALLY HELPED RELIEVE MY STRESS

A high-ranking police chief has been accused of injuring a fellow officer by hurling a stress ball at his throat. Essex Police’s Deputy Chief Constable Matthew Horne is accused of breaching professional standards. A document released by the force ahead of the process alleges that Mr Horne threw the rubber stress ball ‘for no apparent reason’ while in his office with two colleagues. ‘Suddenly, and for no apparent reason, you threw a rubber ‘stress ball’ at (a junior colleague), which hit him in the throat and left a red mark,’ the document alleges. The incident is said to have happened on an unknown date between October 2015 and May 2016. Mr Horne is further accused of pushing the junior colleague ‘with two hands, causing him to fall on to a desk’, and it is alleged that this happened ‘during a conversation about policing matters, and for no apparent reason’.

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Boner Candidate #3: I WASN’T LONELY…I HAD MY FRIENDS

A 4-year-old boy who authorities believe was living in a closet at a Houston-area home has tested positive for methamphetamine exposure and told investigators “his friends” were rats and roaches, according to an attorney representing the child’s interests. A Harris County judge Tuesday allowed child welfare officials to keep the boy in their temporary custody while the case remains under investigation. Investigators are not sure how long the boy was living at the home when deputies showed up Dec. 20 with a search warrant because they believed meth was being made and sold there. Attorney Rachel Leal-Hudson told Houston TV station KTRK the boy also told investigators he wasn’t allowed out of the closet for hours at a time. “His friends” were the “rats and roaches” that would visit him, Leal-Hudson said. “He can articulate some things that are really shocking and surprising that tell us he was in there for a quite a length of time,” she said. “The detail on this case is very awful. This is a 4-year-old child who has seen things an adult should not have seen.”

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