Boners

Boner (Round One) for May 1st, 2017

Boner Candidate #1: HIS SENTENCE STILL TOO LENIENT.

A suburban Philadelphia pastor accused of sexually assaulting and impregnating a teenager has pleaded guilty and been sentenced to three to six years in prison after a judge rejected an earlier plea agreement as too lenient. Thirty-five-year-old Jacob Malone, of Exton, was sentenced Friday after entering guilty pleas to institutional sex assault, corruption of minors and child endangerment. He also must register as a sex offender for 15 years. Malone and prosecutors had reached an earlier plea deal that called for a two-year minimum jail term, but Judge Jacqueline Cody rejected that deal a month ago.

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Boner Candidate #2: LET’S MAKE SURE WE KEEP ALL THE WHITE KIDS TOGETHER

A Florida principal earned a swift reprimand after instructing her staff to segregate elementary school students by race. Christine Hoffman is principal of Campbell Park Elementary in St. Petersburg. Her school is majority black and, according to the Tampa Bay Times, has a “history of poor performance.” Earlier this year, Hoffman sent an email to school staff with instructions on assembling classrooms for the coming 2017-2018 school year. Hoffman asked teachers to assemble classrooms with “a mix of reading levels,” an “equal number of boys and girls,” “no more than two students who frequently misbehave per class” and the instruction to put the few white students per grade in the same class.

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Boner Candidate #3: WHO IS THE MYSTERIOUS CAT SHAVER?

Someone is mysteriously shaving cats in a small Virginia town and feline owners aren’t too happy about it. A small city in Virginia’s Shenandoah Valley called Waynesboro is the scene of a strange wave of cat shaving. Someone has been taking roaming pet cats and shaving their underbellies or legs. It’s happened to seven cats since December. Police Capt. Kelly Walker said Friday that all the cats have been returned otherwise unharmed. Walker says all the cats clearly had owners – they were well-groomed and wearing collars. He says police aren’t sure what crime has been committed, but the owners ‘would just like it to stop.

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