Boners

Boner (Round One) for September 19th, 2017

Boner Candidate #1: WE DON’T NEED ANY HELP FROM YOU; LESBIAN JEW.

A Texas woman who volunteered at a church to help families in need after Hurricane Harvey has been ‘fired’ after the church found she’s Jewish and a lesbian. Carmen Hix told OutSmart magazine that The Calvary Church in Friendswood, Texas needed volunteers to help at the food bank after Hurricane Harvey tore through the community. Hix decided to take off a week from work and donate $500 worth of food to the church. On Friday, September 8, she was taken by surprise when she was called in by a volunteer and the church’s pastor, Ron Hindt, who told her she was no longer welcome at the church after he found out about her religion and sexuality. “I thought they wanted to talk to me about further volunteer efforts,” Hix said. “I was so unprepared for the conversation that ensued.”

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Boner Candidate #2: PERHAPS YOUR NAZI ARM BAND IS A BIT TOO PROVOCATIVE?

Seattle “antifa” 1, Nazis 0. “Anti-facist” Twitter users banded together to track down — and then knock out — a man who was wearing a swastika armband around Seattle on Sunday. A video clip, which has gone viral, shows the white Nazi sympathizer crumbling to the ground after being socked in the face by a much-larger black man. “Night, night,” a bystander says, moments after the man sporting the swastika gets laid out. “Ain’t got nothing to talk about,” the puncher fumes. Seattle Police officials on Monday confirmed reports of a man sporting a swastika armband, saying he was “instigating fights.” But the individual refused to cooperate when approached by officers. “Police were on scene in 5 mins & found him on the ground. He declined to provide info about incident & left after removing his armband,” the department tweeted. “No one else at the scene contacted officers to make a report about the incident.” According to Twitter users, the man who was wearing the armband was first spotted on a bus — Seattle’s D line, to be exact — where he was allegedly accosting a black man.

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Boner Candidate #3: WE’RE SORRY FOR THE OOZING RIVER OF BLOOD AT THE CEMETERY

Residents spotted the disturbing sight of blood seeping out onto the road from a Louisiana undertaker’s business on Thursday afternoon. Gruesome photographs show red liquid trickling onto a back street from a valve outside the Greenoaks Funeral Home in Baton Rouge. City officials said a stoppage in a line had caused the blood, which was mixed with an embalming fluid containing formaldehyde, to leak from a storage tank located behind the building. The leak lasted for only about 20 minutes, however, and the liquid mix did not find its way into the city’s sewer system, per multiple reports. “We sent out both our sewer inspector and our environmental specialists to take a look,” Adam Smith, with the City of Baton Rouge Department of Environmental Services, told WBRZ. “We determined that it wasn’t a sewer issue and that it was an issue on private property.”

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