Boners

Boner (Round One) for September 28th, 2017

Boner Candidate #1: AND THEN THERE’S THE MATTER OF THE HAMMER.

An Ohio woman accused of duct-taping her 11-year-old son to a chair in June before taking another child swimming has pleaded guilty to a charge of child endangering. Thirty-two-year-old Susan Malysa pleaded guilty to the felony charge on Wednesday in Youngstown. Boardman Township police say they arrested the mother after a relative went to her home and found the boy in the basement, bound to the chair with his mouth taped shut. Police say the boy was cold and shaking. A police report notes a 2016 report alleged the boy told a school counselor a woman had hit him with a hammer to discipline him.

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Boner Candidate #2: NO. NO. THIS COULDN’T HAVE BEEN A HATE CRIME.

Some of Ally Lee Steinfeld’s burned remains were found in a bag in a rural southern Missouri chicken coop. Authorities say both of the transgender teen’s eyes had been gouged out and she had been stabbed in the genitals. As questions swirl about why the quiet 17-year-old was killed in such a ghastly manner, authorities aren’t saying what led to the killing. But they dismiss the possibility the death was a hate crime. Authorities identified the remains as those of Joseph Matthew Steinfeld Jr. — Ally Lee Steinfeld’s birth name. They were found last week in the town of Cabool, near the mobile home of one of the alleged killers, 24-year-old Briana Calderas, with whom Steinfeld was living. Calderas and two 18-year-olds, Andrew Vrba and Isis Schauer, are charged with first-degree murder and other counts. A fourth suspect is charged with abandonment of a corpse and tampering with evidence. Both Sheriff James Sigman and prosecutor Parke Stevens Jr. insist the crime was not motivated by Steinfeld’s gender identity.

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Boner Candidate #3: I’D LIKE TO BUY THE WORLD A COKE; AS SOON AS I GET SOME MONEY.

A gunman “dressed as a Coca-Cola bottle” yesterday robbed a Kentucky restaurant, police report. Investigators say that the suspect stuck up a Rally’s restaurant in Henderson just before 7 AM Monday. The robber, armed with a handgun, stole over $500 from the closed eatery, which was only staffed by a manager (who was not injured during the robbery). The Henderson Police Department described the robber as a white male who fled the crime scene in a gray minivan driven by another white male.

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