Boners

Boners (Rounds One and Two) for February 6th, 2018

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: SOMEBODY TOOK MY DAMN SMOKES.

man who was angry that someone “stole his smokes” now faces a potential felony charge for shooting his gun to vent his frustration, police say. On Saturday, a 43-year-old man “came home from a bar mad at someone who stole his smokes,” a Salt Lake County Jail report states. When the intoxicated man got home, he grabbed a handgun from his bedroom, went outside his apartment and fired a round into the air, 20 feet away from two apartment buildings, according to the report. The man was arrested for investigation of illegal discharge of a firearm and being intoxicated. He could be formally charged with a felony if the Salt Lake County District Attorney’s Office files the same charges he was booked for. A shell casing, a black handgun and a magazine were recovered by police. There were no reports of injuries.

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Boner Candidate #2: HAIR HIGH-LIGHTS? NOT ON OUR WATCH.

Two volunteer firefighters are on leave after an Ohio family dispute about a child’s haircut resulted in investigations, according to the fire chief. It stems from a now-viral Facebook post by the girl’s mother, according to WJW, which infers her daughter’s long hair was cut dramatically short as a possible punishment for getting highlights on her birthday. “This is what my daughter looked like Sunday when I took her home and the other two pics is what happened today before she was brought to me… all over me having highlights put in her hair for her birthday!” the teen’s mother posted on Facebook Jan. 31. According to Haskins Police Chief Colby Carroll, they, along with Wood County Children’s Services, are investigating a potential child abuse complaint. Carroll says the girl’s mother alleges the child’s stepmother and father, who are firefighters, ordered the haircut as punishment. “I’ve been doing this since ’92 and I’ve never had a case I would say that’s like this,” said Carroll. “Mom was upset with how her child was being cared for — lack of better terms.”

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Boner Candidate #3: I WANT A JESUS FLU SHOT.

A controversial minister linked to President Donald Trump said flu shots aren’t necessary when you have Jesus. “Inoculate yourself with the word of God,” urged Gloria Copeland, who with her husband co-founded the Kenneth Copeland Ministries in Texas. Both serve on Trump’s evangelical advisory board. While health officials continue to urge people to get flu shots during a season that has been marked by widespread illness, Copeland told followers that faith in Christ is all that’s really needed. “Well, listen, partners, we don’t have a flu season,” Copeland said in a video clip posted online by Right Wing Watch. “And don’t receive it when somebody threatens you with, ‘Everybody’s getting the flu.’ We’ve already had our shot: He bore our sicknesses and carried our diseases. That’s what we stand on.” She said the faithful who don’t have the flu can ward off the infection by repeatedly saying, “I’ll never have the flu. I’ll never have the flu.” For those who are ― somehow ― sick anyway, she offered a prayer. “Flu, I bind you off of the people in the name of Jesus,” she said, “Jesus himself gave us the flu shot. He redeemed us from the curse of flu, and we receive it and we take it, and we are healed by his strifes, amen.”

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: YOU CAN’T FIGHT WHEN YOUR PANTS ARE TIGHT

A witness to a brawl between two teenage girls at a high school Wednesday afternoon says one of the girls seen in a viral video may have removed her pants because they were too tight to fight in. “The girl was like, ‘My pants is tight, let me take them off,'” the witness, who wanted to remain anonymous, told WREG. Many had wondered about the rationale behind the half-naked lunchtime fight in the Academies of West Memphis gym, which ended in both girls being arrested. “I was just wondering why the kids was getting out their clothes. I never seen it happen before,” said concerned parent Aretha Poney. But Poney said she was more concerned about the safety of her two children who attend the school. At one point in the video, the pantless girl is slammed into a trophy display case, shattering the glass. The witness said that the fight might have stemmed from a dispute over some kind of relationship.

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Boner Candidate #2: THE ULTIMATE VICTORY CELEBRATION

Eagles fans took to the streets to celebrate after their team’s first Super Bowl win by flipping cars, starting fires and apparently eating horse poop. Philadelphia sports fans are famous (or infamous) for their passion and wild reactions and many people anticipated the chaotic night that would follow should the Eagles pull off the franchise’s first Super Bowl win. But this?

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Boner Candidate #3: SEVERED HEAD SELFIE

Dental school grad students and a University of Connecticut orthodontics professor took a selfie “with two severed heads used for medical research at a training workshop at Yale University” in 2017, the Associated Press reported on Monday. According to the AP report, the students nabbed the selfies during the DePuy Synthes Future Leaders Workshop, “which focused on dental-related facial deformities”: The Associated Press obtained a copy of the photo from a person who received it through a private group chat. That person, who demanded anonymity because of potential harm to their career, said the person who took the selfie would not give the AP permission to publish it for fear of being expelled…In the photo, [UConn Health orthodontics director and visiting Yale professor Dr. Flavio Uribe] and several graduate students are looking at the camera, while others continue to work. All are wearing surgical masks. The two severed heads are on tables, face up. The AP added that Uribe said the photo was taken so quickly he was unaware it captured the two heads, which he was using to show the students proper placement of screws. However, a Yale spokesman told the news agency signs are posted noting the laboratory’s no-photography policy, as well as that the incident “was disturbing and an inexcusable deviation from anything Yale would expect to occur.”

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