Boners

Boners for January 17th, 2018

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: PIZZA FOR PARKING

For at least the past two years, Salt Lake City parking compliance officers have been forgoing tickets for employees at a downtown pizza restaurant in exchange for free food, the city says. Documents obtained by KUTV-Channel 2 mention the scheme that allegedly involved at least four members of the compliance office’s bike team. The documents describe the scheme as a “’free pizza’ arrangement.” Matthew Rojas, spokesman for Mayor Jackie Biskupski, confirmed that four code enforcement officers were fired last month. Three are appealing their dismissals. He said the city would not make additional comment, pending the outcome of those appeals. The city learned of the alleged pizza-for-parking deal on Aug. 24 and has since found “an unusual pattern of both voided tickets and non-ticketing” for Sicilia Pizza Kitchen’s owner and employees, who parked near the restaurant, 35 W. 300 South, according to a letter from the city’s public services department to Officer Jeff Clegg.

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Boner Candidate #2: COUPLE A BEERS IN THE MORNING HELP STEADY MY HAND.

A Kentucky plastic surgeon was arrested Monday after allegedly showing up drunk to perform a surgery. Dr. Theodore Gerstle, of Lexington Plastic & Reconstructive Surgery, was scheduled to operate around noon on Monday at the Baptist Heath Lexington, but staff at the hospital were alerted that the physician was intoxicated, hospital spokesperson Ruth Ann Childers told the Lexington Herald Leader. Gerstle left the hospital, voluntarily and on foot, after the chief medical officer confronted him, WKYT reported. Hospital staff then reportedly called the police. He was arrested a short time later when he was located not far from the hospital. The surgeon was scheduled for one procedure Monday and had not started operating when he was confronted about his alleged drunken state, Childers told the news station.

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Boner Candidate #3: WHAT COLOR ARE NORWEGIANS?

Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen had the misfortune to appear at a Senate hearing in the immediate aftermath of a furor over a reported racist remark by President Trump at a meeting she attended. Nielsen’s strategy was to deny everything. Nielsen told the senator she had no recollection one way or another as to whether Trump disparaged the population of an entire continent in shockingly gross terms. “There was a lot of rough language by a lot of people in the room …” she testified. “What I was struck with, frankly, as I’m sure you were as well, was just the general profanity that was used in the room by almost everyone.” So basically the meeting like some saloon scene in Deadwood. There were a lot of really bad words, but it might have been Trump making generalizations about black people, might have just been Al Swearengen, nobody can say for sure.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: I THOUGHT WE COULD SAY THINGS LIKE THAT IN TEXAS

An anti-Semitic slur made by a co-host of the DIY reality series “Texas Flip N Move” made it into the show — and will be edited out if the episode re-airs in the future, the network says. The crude remark was uttered by series co-host Toni Snow to a musician who bought a refurbished, tricked-out school bus for $300 on the Texas-based house-flipping series. At the end of the episode, the musician agreed, without argument, to buy the bus for $36,000 after Toni and her sister, co-host Donna Snow, spent nearly $27,000 on its renovation. “You’re not even gonna bicker a little bit . . . Jew us down?” says Toni Snow. “You’re not even gonna blink an eye?” her sister, Donna, chimes in, without batting an eyelash at her sister’s remark.

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Boner Candidate #2: WHO WILL PERFORM THE WEDDING CEREMONY? WILL IT BE SATAN?

When a same-sex couple excitedly opened their wedding programs on the eve of their Pennsylvania ceremony, they were horrified by what they found inside the package. “Rather than send plaintiffs the custom wedding programs they had purchased, Vistaprint instead sent plaintiffs literature with hateful, discriminatory and anti-gay messages equating their relationship to Satan’s temptation,” according to a new lawsuit targeting the web-based printing company. The plaintiffs, Aussies Stephen Heasley and Andrew Borg — who married at a hillside ceremony in Butler County, Pa., in September — added in a statement, “Our goal is to hold Vistaprint accountable for the harm they have caused … and to send a message that there will be consequences for acts of hate perpetrated against others.”

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Boner Candidate #3: WE WOULD EVEN FINE JESUS IF HE DID THIS

Homeless encampments lines a street in San Diego, where volunteers were cited for offering food to people in the area. AP A dozen do-gooders in California were issued citations — for offering food to homeless people in a public park. The dozen volunteers cited Sunday were part of a bigger group in El Cajon, protesting a city ban on sharing food in public spaces, the San Diego Union Tribune reported. “If I’m going to be arrested for something, let it be for feeding the homeless,” Matthew Schneck told NBC San Diego. “I’m not going to apologize for doing the right thing.”

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