Boners

Boners (Round One and Two) for April 5th, 2018

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: GET EM WHILE THEY’RE YOUNG.

Some families in the Missoula area woke up Monday to find plastic Easter eggs that were filled with neo-Nazi propaganda instead of candy. Reports of these eggs are centered in the area of central Missoula along Kent Street West. Businesses and homes have received these flyers. Also included in the eggs were a plastic gold coin and toy Easter bunnies. The material included a flyer promoting a group with Neo-Nazi ties called Atomwaffen Division. The group has been linked to at least five murders in the US since 2017. The Missoula Police Department is reviewing reports but is not commenting any further on the incidents. A Missoula resident who found multiple eggs in their yard told MTN News that they are disturbed by the timing of the distribution of the eggs and also how they are targeted at children.

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Boner Candidate #2: WE HAVE LOST TRUST AND CONFIDENCE IN THE PASTOR.

A Navy chaplain was removed from his post at a Marine Corps command last month after he was videotaped having sex with a woman at a New Orleans bar, USA Today reported Wednesday. The Marine Corps Times first reported about the removal of Navy Capt. Loften Thornton for “loss of trust and confidence” last week, but did not disclose details of the case. USA Today, citing two defense officials, reported that authorities were examining video that showed Thornton having sex with the woman at the Crown & Anchor English Pub in the Algiers Point neighborhood of New Orleans. The bar is located across the Mississippi River from the city’s French Quarter, and near the Marine Forces Reserve in Algiers, where Thornton was stationed. The owner of the bar told USA Today that he was cooperating with authorities, but would not comment further.

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Boner Candidate #3: PAY RAISES? WHO AUTHORIZED THAT?

The ethically challenged chief of the Environmental Protection Agency on Wednesday said he just “found out” that two longtime aides got huge raises and immediately “corrected” it. “My staff and I found out about it yesterday and I changed it,” Scott Pruitt said in an interview on Fox News. But Pruitt couldn’t identify who should be held accountable for authorizing the pay hikes. “You don’t know? You run the agency. You don’t know who did it?” Fox anchor Ed Henry asked. “I found out this yesterday and I corrected the action and we are in the process of finding out how it took place and correcting it,” Pruitt said. ​The Atlantic reported on Tuesday that Pruitt used a provision in the Safe Drinking Water Act to get around White House objections to give pay bumps to two aides who worked with him in Oklahoma, where he was attorney general.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: SORRY BABY, BUT YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN.

A 29-year-old man in Illinois faces several charges, including driving under the influence, after he allegedly crashed a vehicle early Monday morning and abandoned the scene, leaving his girlfriend “semi-unconscious” in the front passenger seat, police said Wednesday. Emil Nichitoi, according to the Des Plaines Police Department, was allegedly driving the vehicle around 2:20 a.m. when he crashed into a utility box and utility pole before veering off the road and into a wooded area. When responders arrived to the scene, they located a “semi-unconscious” female passenger who was buckled into her seat, police said, but “the driver was nowhere to be found.” An extensive search of the surrounding area for the driver was reportedly unsuccessful. Around 7:30 a.m., police said an individual, who was not wearing any socks, shoes or a coat and was also completely wet, was found on Wilson Lane. The area, according to the Chicago Sun Times, is across the Des Plaines River from where the incident happened.

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Boner Candidate #2: HE COULDN’T GET ANYONE ELSE TO ENDORSE HIM

A GOP Pennsylvania lawmaker who is running for the US Senate has scored a major endorsement sure to endear him to animal-loving Republicans — from his pet dog. “My name is Reilly Barletta. You’ve probably heard of me — I’m an English Cream Golden Retriever and Lou’s best pal,” reads a statement on Rep. Lou Barletta’s Senate campaign website. “I had trouble typing this, because I don’t have any thumbs, but I got one of the interns to help me. People say if you want a friend in Washington, get a dog. So, Lou got me!” In the statement, “Reilly” recounts the pair’s adventures from the Keystone State all the way to the nation’s capital. “Lou and I go everywhere together, from the campaign trail in Pennsylvania to the halls of Congress. I was even named the Cutest Dog on Capitol Hill! And unlike politicians in Washington, I’m always happy to see Lou.”

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Boner Candidate #3: IF YOU WORK THE DRIVE THROUGH YOU CAN GET A CONTACT HIGH

A Sonic in Mississippi is sending a message to anyone smoking marijuana in their drive-thru, according to the Biloxi Sun Herald. A sign in the window reads, “ATTENTION: If you are smoking weed in the drive-thru you will not be served! Please show some common courtesy and smoke and air out before pulling up to order.” Store manager Yasman Freeman told the Sun Herald the sign was posted after a customer blew smoke in the face of an underage employee. She added that employees at the restaurant were tired of smelling the smoke while taking orders.

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