Boners

Boners (Rounds One and Two) for February 14th, 2018

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: THE SLIPPERY SUSPECT

A Pennsylvania man is facing charges after police say the 19-year-old attacked his family while tripping on LSD and then resisting arrest while naked and covered in cooking oil. The Tribune Review says a number of more serious charges including assault and terrorist threats were dropped after the victims refused to pursue charges against him at a preliminary hearing Tuesday. Police say Lonnie Beatty had taken the hallucinogen on Jan. 16 and lost control, assaulting two female relatives and their children. Police say he destroyed a North Apollo house and the victims hid in a bathroom. The family dog bit Beatty trying to protect them. When police arrived, they say he was naked, wearing only a sock, and covered in cooking oil. They say he was shot with a stun gun after refusing to comply multiple times. No attorney information is available.

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Boner Candidate #2: I BRUNG MY OWN PORN.

A transient man was arrested after breaking into a business connected to a home and watching pornography before a family detained him Monday night in Van Nuys. The crime was reported at 11:24 p.m. on the 14300 block of Victory Boulevard, said Los Angeles Police Department Capt. Lillian Carranza. Alan Estrada, age 28, a transient was arrested on suspicion of residential burglary, said LAPD Detective Michael O’Connor. According to the L.A. County Sheriff’s Department Inmate Information Center, Estrada was booked at 1:36 a.m. Tuesday inside Van Nuys Jail and remains there on a no-bail hold. A woman discovered the man — and made the 9-1-1 call to police — when she walked downstairs from her residence into her family’s business and noticed the computer was on, O’Connor said.

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Boner Candidate #3: THERE’S SOME JUNK IN THAT TRUNK.

This drug smuggler was really bummed out. A 32-year-old Brazilian man was arrested at the Lisbon Airport in Portugal after he was caught carrying a kilo of cocaine in a fake derrière, the International Business Times reported. A second man, age 40, also was busted on suspicion of being the intended recipient of the drug haul, the estimated street value of which was not released.The butthead was traveling into the city from Belém do Pará in northern Brazil before he hit rock bottom, according to the news outlet. An image released by authorities showed how the drug was stored in the faux buttocks stitched into a pair of blue swim shorts. The cheeky suspect and his alleged cohort were being investigated by the National Anti-Narcotics Trafficking Unit and face charges of drug trafficking.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: I’M SORRY. I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH DAIRY.

Connecticut State Police say they finally got the scoop on the poop. State police said Tuesday that they arrested a 43-year-old woman in connection with human excrement deposited on three separate occasions in the middle of the same cul-de-sac in East Granby. Holly Malone was charged with misdemeanor breach of peace. She lives a few miles away from the cul-de-sac in Simsbury. Troopers say a motion-activated camera set up after the second incident in November recorded Malone’s car. Authorities say Malone told them that she’s lactose intolerant but sometimes eats dairy products, and she stopped in the cul-de-sac because she couldn’t make it to a bathroom in time. State police say she apologized. A message left at a phone listing for Malone wasn’t immediately returned Tuesday.

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Boner Candidate #2: IT WAS A COUNSELING SESSION THAT TOOK A STRANGE TURN.

In the front seat of the car, police said they found quite the sight. A man was sitting in the passenger’s seat completely naked, according to a criminal complaint obtained by KDKA. The only thing he was “wearing” was the nylon rope tied around him. In the back seat of the car was George Gregory, a 61-year-old pastor at a church in West Homestead, Penn., police said. When police walked up to the vehicle, they said they could see Gregory rearranging his clothing, WPXI reports. The street was in a well-lit, residential neighborhood in Homestead, WPXI reports — which is why a neighbor had called police to report a suspicious vehicle parked outside his 3-year-old daughter’s window on Friday night around 11 p.m. As the man got on the phone with emergency responders, his wife — peering out their window — saw a man emerge from the vehicle entirely nude.

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Boner Candidate #3: THE RED HOT CHILI PIPERS

His Valentine’s Day surprise blows. A British man flew his girlfriend to Northern Ireland for a Red Hot Chili Peppers concert on Valentine’s Day week — only to learn he’d actually bought tickets to the Red Hot Chilli Pipers, a bagpipe band that’s more fit for a funeral. Duncan Robb, of Chesterfield, England, plunked down cash for the $42 Belfast show in December and was surprised they were such a good deal, according to ABC. “I thought what a bargain, there must not be many tickets left — and I snatched them up straight away,” he said, adding the “Give it Away” group is his girlfriend’s favorite band. “I saw the date was Feb. 10, so I could make it into a Valentine’s Day weekend.”

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