Boners

Boners (Round One and Two) for February 8th, 2018

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: WOULD YOU LIKE SAME DAY DELIVERY?

Mexican inspectors have found tigers in all sorts of situations: on leashes, in neighbors’ yards and wandering the streets. But the office for environmental protection announced a new twist Wednesday: Someone tried to express-mail a tiger cub. The cub was sedated and packed into a plastic container. Nobody realized it was there until a sniffer dog looking for contraband detected it. The cub was mailed in the western state of Jalisco to an address in the central state of Queretaro. It was dehydrated but otherwise well, and was handed over to an animal management center. The tiger’s papers were apparently in order, but it was seized because the mailing constituted mistreatment.

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Boner Candidate #2: I NEED TO REPORT SOME THINGS I STOLE AS STOLEN.

A Spokane Valley deputy investigating a report of a possible burglary found himself arresting the ‘victim’ who reported he had been burglarized. The deputy learned that the man had actually burglarized a neighboring apartment and was trying to report the items he stole as stolen after the true victim took some of the property back. On Sunday around 1 p.m., Deputy Jason Petrini responded to a reported theft at an apartment complex in the 11900 block of E. Main in Spokane Valley. The initial caller, identified as 46-year-old Jason M. Tschanz, stated he purchased some property from his neighbor before that neighbor went to jail. He explained that his neighbor’s girlfriend came over to his apartment and took some of the property he had previously purchased. When the deputy arrived he talked to the neighbor Tschanz accused of theft. She said Tschanz tried to break into their apartment a couple of weeks ago but was caught by her boyfriend who has been in jail for the last few days. She explained she left the apartment earlier and when she returned a few hours later, she noticed several times were missing including a TV, Xbox and games. She immediately suspected Tschanz and went to his apartment. Tschanz wasn’t home but his daughter answered the door.  She confirmed Tschanz brought a TV and Xbox home earlier that morning.  The victim was only able to retrieve her TV at that time. When Deputy Petrini contacted Tschanz, Tschanz said he purchased the TV, Xbox and other items from his neighbor for $100.

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Boner Candidate #3: YOU POINT THAT AT ME, I’LL BITE IT OFF.

Authorities in North Carolina are investigating a parent’s report of a teacher biting her 4-year-old daughter. Dominique Davis tells the Winston-Salem Journalshe contacted Middle Fork Elementary School staff after noticing dried blood on her daughter’s hand Jan. 24. She says school officials said her daughter injured herself on a paper-towel dispenser, but her daughter later said a teacher in her pre-K special-needs class had bitten her finger. Davis says a human bite caused an infection, and another finger was broken. Forsyth County Chief Deputy Brad Stanley said Tuesday the sheriff’s office and Child Protective Services are investigating the allegations. Winston-Salem/Forsyth County Schools spokesman Brent Campbell says officials are conducting an internal investigation. No disciplinary actions have been taken.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: P.F. CHANGS. P.F. CHANGS.

Last Friday, a basketball game between St. Xavier and Elder took an ugly turn. Attention was taken off the game and directed towards Elder’s cheering section. Parents say their sons were the targets of racial slurs. Susan Stockman’s son, Nathan, is the point guard for St. X. She says from the first quarter to the third, Nathan endured racial taunts. She described what she heard at the game. “Go back to China. Open your eyes and then they were nice enough to ask do your eyes get open. Can they open bigger?” said Stockman. At one point, Stockman says the Elder crowd repeatedly yelled, “P.F. Changs,” at her son. The chant is clear on a recording of the game. Nathan wasn’t the only student. Mina Jefferson’s son, Bobby, was also a target. Chants of, “Bobby’s on welfare! Bobby’s on welfare!” can be heard on the video. Mina says the crowd shouted more disparaging words to her African-American son. “Things like Bobby’s on welfare. Bobby can’t read. Bobby sells crack,” Jefferson said. “I mean my son’s going to Dartmouth for god sake. Like really, this is ridiculous. So clearly he has achieved both athletically and academically.”

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Boner Candidate #2: WE’LL WE DON’T WANT THEM TO LOOK LIKE LITTLE TROGLYDITES, DO WE?

A hairy mystery is unfolding in Washington state, where a pair of distressed moms claim a daycare center waxed their children’s eyebrows. One of the moms told local outlets she noticed her 2-year-old daughter, Lilayiah, was missing a patch of hair and had reddened skin when she picked her up last week. “I knew she was missing her patch of hair because she has a unibrow and she was born like that,” Alyssa Salgado, 19, told WLTX News. “She had a couple of tears in her eyes,” she added. The concerned mom reached out to the nursery, run by the Boys and Girls Club of Benton and Franklin counties on the Columbia Basin College campus in Pasco. She also spoke with other moms, including Glenda Maria Cruz, who said her toddler son’s unibrow was plucked the same day. “I tried to touch his face. He doesn’t let me touch his face. He says, ‘No, no, stop,’ and it hurts me because that’s my baby,” said Cruz.

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Boner Candidate #3: I GOT SEX RIGHTS! THE CONSTITUTION SAYS SO.

A former teacher in Alabama is fighting for her right to have sex with students. Charli Jones Parker, 31, was convicted of having intercourse with two male 16-year-old students while she was a teacher at Pickens Academy. Now she wants her case overturned, claiming that a law prohibiting sex with students is unconstitutional, according to Tuscaloosa News. Her appeal comes after a Morgan County Circuit Court judge ruled in August that the law violated an equal protection clause which affords teachers the same treatment in court as other professions. Parker’s attorney argued in a brief filed Tuesday that her conviction should be appealed on the same grounds. The law in question prohibits school employees from having sex with students under the age of 19, regardless of where the student is enrolled. “Alabama law does not make it a crime for members of other occupations to have consensual sex with 16-, 17- and 18-year-olds, even when there is a position of trust or authority,” said attorney Virginia Buck, according to the newspaper. In court filings, Buck gave a hypothetical example in which a school janitor could go on spring break and have sex with a teen girl who was 16, and he would be violating the law. On the other hand, “a 65-year-old doctor, minister, therapist, or attorney is not subject to criminal liability in Alabama for having consensual sex with a 16-year-old,” she said. The age of consent in Alabama is 16.

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