Boners

Boners (Round One and Two) for January 19th, 2018

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: THERE’S NO ROOM FOR YOU IN MY COUNTRY.

A Maine substitute teacher has been fired after telling a student he would get kicked out of the country if the proposed U.S.-Mexico border wall is built. Sanford School Department officials tell the Portland Press Herald the exchange happened in an 11th grade classroom at Sanford Regional Technical Center last week. The district fired the teacher following an investigation into the exchange. In the video clip posted on Twitter, the student and teacher discuss the border wall. The substitute tells the student, “Oh, you’re getting kicked out of my country.” She later says the country has belonged to her longer and references President Donald Trump.

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Boner Candidate #2: A FART TO THE FACE NEVER GOES AWAY

A Washington man still reeling from his brother’s decade-old fart prank set his parents’ home on fire this week as revenge for the gassy insult, according to a report. Police say Joel Cruz, 29, was alone inside his parents’ home in the city of Yakima Wednesday when his anger reignited from his brother cutting the cheese in his face 10 years ago, CBS affiliate KIMA-TV reported. A steamed Cruz then placed a pot of vegetable oil on the stove with the burner on high and ran out of the home before a blaze erupted, according to the news outlet. The home was left visibly torched with black smoke residue around its windows. Cruz had told cops he heard voices in his head. He was taken to a hospital for a psychiatric evaluation, KIMA-TV reported

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Boner Candidate #3: IS IT FAIR THAT I WORK WHILE YOU HANG OUT AT WETHERSPOONS?

A jealous husband who called in a false bomb threat to a British pub where his wife was enjoying a night out has been told by a judge he should be “ashamed.” Mo Ahmed, 42, admitted making two hoax calls to The Duke of Wellington on Nov. 25, forcing the Somerset pub to close early and costing it about $1,500, the BBC reports. More than 130 customers and 25 overnight guests were evacuated at 1 a.m. According to a probation report, Ahmed was angry his wife was going out while he was working two jobs for the couple to make ends meet. He had been forced to take on a second job at a restaurant to pay the bills after a gift shop the couple opened in August was only taking about $35 a day. “He felt annoyed she was spending money while he was having to work away to pay the bills. When he learned she was going to Wetherspoons, he was angry and frustrated and wanted to ruin her night,” the report read. Ahmed was jailed for six months, suspended for a year and ordered to pay the $1,500 in compensation and do 120 hours community service.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: WE MADE RECORDINGS BUT WE NEVER LISTENED TO THEM.

For four years, a tucked-away monitoring system in a certain visitation room at the Anchorage jail recorded conversations between attorneys and their clients — defendants in criminal court – without anyone knowing. Now defense attorneys are concerned — some are livid — about what they say is a striking violation of basic constitutional rights. Quinlan Steiner, the state public defender, in December learned from the state that the recordings were secretly and routinely made from 2012 to 2016. The files were automatically recorded over every 30 days. The new information was circulated last month to about 120 Alaska criminal defense lawyers. “It’s not a close call. It’s not permissible,” Steiner said of the recorded conversations between lawyers and defendants. “They have to be confidential so they can be candid.” State corrections officials say the recordings generally were not listened to or provided to law enforcement, though in one case, that did happen. And defense lawyers suspect the problem may be prevalent. The recordings began in 2012 when suspected serial killer Israel Keyes was arrested and held at the Anchorage Correctional Complex, said Clare Sullivan, deputy commissioner of the state Department of Corrections. The FBI asked the department to add an audio recording element into a visiting room where Keyes met with his girlfriend, according to the U.S. attorney’s office.

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Boner Candidate #2: ANOTHER TRUMP DEPLORABLE.

A Trump administration appointee resigned Thursday after CNN reported on his past use of racist, sexist, anti-Muslim language on the radio. Carl Higbie resigned as chief of external affairs for the Corporation for National and Community Service (CNCS), a spokeswoman for the department told CNN. Higbie declined a request for comment from The Hill. CNCS was created in 1993 and oversees initiatives such as AmeriCorps and the Social Innovation Fund. Higbie’s resignation follows a CNN review of his past comments on radio appearances in which he makes disparaging remarks about multiple minority groups. CNN found audio of a June 2013 radio appearance, when Higbie said, “I just don’t like Muslim people.” “Well people are like, ‘well, you can’t hate somebody just for being Muslim.’ It’s like, yeah, I can,” Higbie said. In a December 2013 appearance, Higbie suggested black women think “breeding is a form of government employment,” CNN uncovered. Higbie, a former Navy SEAL, also made critical remarks of soldiers with post-traumatic stress disorder, saying the illness is “a trait of a weak mind.” Higbie joined the administration in August. He was a frequent surrogate for the Trump campaign on cable news during the 2016 campaign cycle.

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Boner Candidate #3: I’M HERE TO WITHDRAW A BURRITO.

A 38-year-old Tampa man was arrested Wednesday on a charge of driving under the influence involving drugs or alcohol after deputies said he mistook a Bank of America drive-thru for a Taco Bell. The branch manager of the Mariner Boulevard bank said they saw Douglas Jon Francisco passed out in his blue Hyundai sedan while it sat in the drive-up bank lane, according to the Hernando County Sheriff’s Office. This was at about 5 p.m. on Wednesday. The manager said they started banging on the Hyundai’s window “for some time,” according a deputy’s report, before Francisco finally woke up. Then Francisco tried to order a burrito, deputies said. When Claussen told he was not, in fact, at a Taco Bell, deputies said he drove to the front parking lot. When deputies arrived, they said they found Francisco in the driver’s seat, the car still running. “He made several statements that were differing from reality,” a deputy wrote in the arrest report. He also denied asking the manager for a burrito. Deputies said his responses to their questions were delayed and that after a field sobriety test he appeared to be impaired. Deputies said Francisco also had prescription medication with him under his name. He was arrested on a charge of DUI involving alcohol or drugs. He underwent a drug test that deputies are awaiting the results of.

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