Boners

Boners (Round One and Two) for January 23rd, 2018

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: THINK OF IT AS A DONATION TO THE SOUP KITCHEN.

A Massachusetts couple’s donation to a local soup kitchen may end up costing them thousands of dollars, after they ended up giving away a fake can of soup used to hide their cash. Amanda Mattuchio told Boston 25 News on Friday her parents cleared out their soup cabinet a few weeks ago, and only realized several weeks later they gave away the fake Campbell’s Tomato Soup can. “When they went to put some more money into the can, they realized it had been put in with the donations. It was kind of devastating,” Mattuchio said. The fake can had a bottom that unscrewed, and contained $2,500 in it that was a combination of $100 and $50 bills, she told Boston 25 News. “I just hope whoever did find the money, if it has been found, that they see this and maybe find it in their heart to return it,” Mattuchio said. Frank Leary, who runs the Middleton Food Pantry where the cans ended up, said the facility receives hundreds of donated cans of soup every week. A search of all of the cans so far at the facility has not turned up the cash-filled can.

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Boner Candidate #2: SIR. SIR. WHAT’S IN THE PACKAGE SIR?

suspicious package that shut down roadways in Slidell turned out to be 70 pounds of human feces. Slidell police say a man walked into the post office Friday around 4 p.m. and tried to have the package shipped, but workers, who didn’t know what the package contained, said they couldn’t. According to the Slidell police chief, the man then told workers it was their problem, put the package down, and left. Police say writing on the package led them to believe it may have contained explosives. They blocked off the entire radius of the post office, including Fremeaux Avenue, for several hours. Police eventually discovered the package was full of human waste, and the area was reopened to the public around 8 p.m. Police believe the man who dropped off the package may have mental health issues. He is currently undergoing a medical evaluation.

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Boner Candidate #3: WELL I CAN’T TAKE THE BABY WITH ME WHEN I’M STEALING CAN I?

Just when I think Florida can’t surprise me anymore it pulls this out of its hat. Let’s all talk about a 30-year-old woman named Sarah Jean Wilmoth. Wilmoth decided that she didn’t want to purchase things anymore. So what did she do? She entered a Publix and began to shoplift. But this is a story worth writing because Wilmoth is a mother, and this mother left her infant in the car for more than an hour while she shoplifted. Deputies were called to Publix, 4145 Ninth St. S.W., about 4:30 p.m. Saturday by bystanders who saw an infant alone in a car crying hysterically. They had parked near the car and told investigators the child was inside alone when they arrived and after they finished a 45-minute shopping trip. Deputies determined the child had been there for more than an hour, according to the affidavit. Wilmoth was located and arrested inside the supermarket as Indian River County Fire Rescue workers tended to the child, who was unharmed. She said she left the boy in the car because he was sleeping at the time, the affidavit said. When Wilmoth was searched, deputies found a plastic bag containing a crack pipe and methamphetamine laced with cocaine, according to the arrest affidavit.In Wilmoth’s bra were several toiletries worth about $35 that she admitted stealing from Publix while inside, the affidavit said.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: BEE KILLERS!

Two boys are facing felony charges after vandalism at an Iowa honey farm killed 500,000 bees, according to police. Police say the boys, ages 12 and 13, wrecked equipment and knocked over 50 hives at the Wild Hill Honey farm in Sioux City last month. All of the bees — at least half a million — died in the snow. Owners Justin and Tori Englehardt found the dead bees when they went to clear snow off the hives on their 18-acre property. “We found complete destruction of our hives and supply shed,” they wrote on their Facebook page. “They knocked over every single hive, killing all the bees. They wiped us out completely,” Justin Engelhardt told The Sioux City Journal. “They broke into our shed, they took all our equipment out and threw it out in the snow, smashed what they could. Doesn’t look like anything was stolen; everything was just vandalized or destroyed. He called the crime “completely senseless.” The loss was estimated at $60,000. The devastation was so complete that the couple feared they couldn’t afford to revive the six-year-old operation. 

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Boner Candidate #2: I DON’T EVEN SPEAK POLISH.

A respected doctor who has been in the United States for nearly 40 years has been picked up by American immigration agents after the Trump administration denied his attempt to renew his green card. Lukas Niec, an internal medicine doctor known for long hours at the hospital in Kalamazoo, Michigan, was picked up by Immigration and Customs enforcement agents over the weekend. He’s now reportedly sitting in a jail cell waiting for word on when he’ll be allowed to return to his normal life — or if he’ll allowed to do so at all. Mr Niec, an internal medicine doctor at Kalamazoo’s Bronson Methodist Hospital, moved to the United States nearly 40 years ago when he was five years old. His parents brought him from Poland in 1979, alongside his sister, who said that they had packed just two suitcases before making the journey. “In 1979, my parents were both doctors, left Poland, and took two suitcases and two small children — my brother was five, and I was six, and they came here for a better life for their kids,” Iwona Niec-Villaire, Mr Niec’s sister, told a local reporter. But now Mr Niec is facing potential deportation after living here for the vast majority of his life. “He doesn’t even speak Polish,” Ms Niec-Villaire, who is now an attorney, said. The arrest was made Tuesday while Mr Niec was enjoying a day off with his daughters at a lake home he owns near Kalamazoo. Three Immigration and Customs agents entered the home and took him into custody.

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Boner Candidate #3: BLOW TORCH IN THE PUBLIC POTTY.

Emergency personnel rescued a man who apparently lit a public toilet on fire with a blow torch and then became stuck inside Thursday evening in the Tenderloin. The incident happened when a 53-year-old man lit the toilet aflame in the area of Larkin Street and Myrtle Alley at about 5:45 p.m., police said. The man, however, became stuck inside the public toilet area. Responding officers assisted the man, who was subsequently arrested.

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