Boners

Boners (Round One and Two) for January 31st, 2018

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: I WAS TRYING TO CATCH ONE PERSON BUT I GOT A LOT OF OTHERS

A Magna man was sentenced to prison Monday for hiding cameras in bathrooms at LDS meetinghouses and in the homes of his relatives. James Steven Larsen, 40, was ordered to serve concurrent terms of up to five years in prison for three counts of voyeurism involving a minor victim, a third-degree felony. Larsen pleaded guilty to the charges last month as part of a deal with prosecutors. In exchange, 13 additional charges were dismissed of class A misdemeanor voyeurism involving adult victims. Larsen used a set of keys he had to sneak in early on Sundays to two Magna meetinghouses of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 3606 South Wing Pointe Drive and 7731 W. 3500 South, according to prosecutors. Larsen said he would hide cameras in the restrooms, then return to retrieve the cameras the next day.

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Boner Candidate #2: I’VE GOT A LIST OF JEWS HERE

Paul Nehlen is a Republican candidate for Congress who’s running in the First Congressional District of Wisconsin, also known as the seat currently held by House Speaker Paul Ryan. Over the past few months, he’s gone full fascist, courting support from the alt-right both in Twitter DMs and in public. Because of this, he’s been engaged in an ongoing battle with conservative Republicans like New York Post columnist John Podhoretz; in December, Nehlen told Podhoretz to “eat a bullet.” Later that same month, he was deemed too racist even for Breitbart, which said it had “cut all ties” and “removed his contributor page from the website” after a “series of anti-Semitic and pro-white supremacist comments.” Today, Nehlen tweeted this: While it may seem at first glance that making a list of your enemies in an Excel spreadsheet and including a tally of their religious and ethnic backgrounds is a completely normal and levelheaded thing to do, I can assure you that it is not.

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Boner Candidate #3: MY SUPPORT ANIMAL IS A PEACOCK

A female traveller was recently banned from taking a large “emotional-support peacock” on board a United Airlines flight, it has emerged. She had offered to buy the bird its own plane ticket, according to travel blog Live and Let Fly. Nonetheless the airline refused to let the bird board at Newark airport in New Jersey, saying it did not meet guidelines due to its weight and size. United says this was explained to the traveller before she arrived at Newark.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: I WAS FONDLING MY CANDY NOT MYSELF

He was “handling candy, not penis.” A San Francisco man arrested for indecent exposure and masturbating in FUMwas found not guilty after his defense team proved that he was trying to remove some stolen chocolate bars and Skittles from his pants ― and wasn’t actually playing with himself. Eugene Childs, 59, had just swiped the sweets from a Walgreens in the city’s Castro neighborhood right before the alleged incident occurred, according to officials. The wheelchair-bound military vet walked over to a nearby AIDS clinic and tried removing some of the goodies he scored, but was spotted by two employees. The workers pulled out their cellphones and began filming Childs, whose pants were falling down, before asking him to leave. He was caught on tape fumbling with M&Ms and other treats as he yelled at the employees and eventually walked away, officials said.

Boner Candidate #2: KATIE…MEN ARE FROM MARS WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS

During an interview Tuesday on MSNBC, host Katy Tur asked Republican Rep. Chris Stewart whether President Donald Trump could be trying to purge FBI and Justice Department officials while his campaign is under investigation. The Utah congressman quickly dismissed her questions, suggesting that the two just “see the world differently.” “And this is one of those cases,” he went on, “where it’s just men are from Mars and women are from Venus.” Tur, cutting him off, appeared stunned. “I’m sorry. Hold on,” she said. “You think we see the world differently? I just laid out a number of facts.”

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Boner Candidate #3: I AM THE MAYOR OF FARMINGTON AND MY WORD SHALL BE LAW.

And the award for Most Embarrassing Misuse of Public Office goes to … It would appear that Farmington Mayor Jim Talbot has decided to weigh in on the new Farmington High School mascot, the Phoenix. What’s more, he’s using his position as an elected official in an attempt to circumvent the free and fair voting that resulted in students choosing that mascot. In his most recent mayor’s message, splashed across the front page of the Farmington city newsletter, Talbot uses the weight of his office to bring pressure to bear on the Davis School District over an issue he calls “embarrassing.” He’s calling on the superintendent and principal to ignore the will of the students and pick a different mascot for the new school. “Eagles” seems to be the name he and the other sore losers are leaning toward.

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