Boners

Boners (Round One and Two) for March 28th, 2018

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: NO RAISES BUT MAYBE WE CAN GIVE YOU A ROOM

Amid a wide gap between modest teacher salaries and Miami’s high housing prices, the county has a new plan: build apartments on school property and let faculty live there. A preliminary proposal includes constructing a new mid-rise middle school in the luxe Brickell area for Southside Elementary, with a floor devoted to residential units, and several more reserved for parking and the classrooms on top. If that goes well, Miami-Dade wants a full-fledged housing complex next to Phillis Wheatley Elementary, with as many as 300 apartments going up on the campus just north of downtown. “It’s an exciting idea,” said Michael Liu, Miami-Dade’s housing director. “Land is at a premium in Miami-Dade County. It’s difficult to come by, especially in the urban core.”

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Boner Candidate #2: BRING BACK THE SOUL OF THE COUNTRY.

Put on your Sunday clothes because an Arizona lawmaker wants to make church mandatory. The legislature’s debate to expand a gun owner’s right to carry took a pious turn when state Sen. Sylvia Allen, R-Snowflake, suggested the real problem behind gun violence was corrupted souls. “It is the soul that is corrupt and how we get back to a moral rebirth in this country, I don’t know,” Allen told the state’s appropriations committee on Tuesday. But the Republican detailed a solution that she believed would keep people feeling safe without the need to carry a gun. No matter how much it would violate the Constitution seperation of church and state, Allen said she wanted a law requiring citizens to go to church.

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Boner Candidate #3: I’M NOT A FAN, BUT LEAVE KELLY ALONE!

Kelly Ripa showed off her ripped abs in a bikini picture posted on Instagram by her husband, Mark Consuelos, who dubbed her “the sexy one.” But it didn’t take long for internet trolls to interject. Consuelos’ picture of Ripa sporting a sun hat and a two-piece bathing suit during their tropical vacation on Sunday drew hundreds of comments. Many questioned why the 47-year-old host of ABC’s “Live with Kelly and Ryan” didn’t try to cover up more. “Kelly’s gorgeous, but isn’t there a cutoff age where age-appropriateness comes into play? Just because you can rock a bikini, doesn’t mean you should,” one Instagram user commented.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: YOUR HUSBAND MAKES BEAUTIFUL BABIES AND HE’S MINE.

A woman has revealed how a midwife held her baby – before revealing she had slept with the dad on a vacation. The dramatic incident happened in Merseyside at Liverpool Women’s Hospital. The midwife in question, Joanne Lumsden, worked at Liverpool Women’s Hospital, where she featured on the Channel 4 reality show One Born Every Minute, but reportedly failed to declare a conflict of interest in this particular case. The mom – who has not been identified – told The Liverpool Echo how she remains “haunted” by the sight of Ms. Lumsden with her baby. The newborn daughter was delivered safely last summer – but shortly before she became pregnant, the dad went on a vacation to Benidorm, where he met Ms. Lumsden.

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Boner Candidate #2: LET LEHI MOURN IN PEACE

Grave robbers have been going for flowers, vases, and decorations just hours after grieving loved ones leave the Lehi Cemetery. “We come here to grieve and how dare they,” said Linda Manning, who had hundreds of dollars worth of flowers stolen from her late husband’s grave. Linda’s high school sweetheart and love of her life unexpectedly died last week. On Saturday, just hours after they laid him to rest, she came back to his grave to see his entire casket spray was ransacked. “They took the vases, and took the flowers they didn’t want and just scattered them,” said Kellie Manning, Linda’s daughter.

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Boner Candidate #3: SAME FOR MEN WHO HAVE VASECTOMYS? PROSTATE SURGERY?

Indiana Gov. Eric Holcomb signed a new law that will require medical providers who treat women for complications arising from abortions to report detailed patient information to the state. The Republican governor signed the measure without fanfare Sunday, shortly before leaving the country for a multi-day trade mission to Canada. Supporters said the law, which takes full effect in July, will ensure abortions are provided safely in the state. But opponents argued that it’s overly burdensome and will further stigmatize abortion, which has lower complication rates than many other standard procedures. Previous state efforts to restrict abortions in Indiana have been challenged in court in recent years, some of which have been blocked from taking effect.

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