Boners

Boners (Rounds One and Two) for April 30th, 2018

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: I THINK WE CAN DO BETTER

Omar Austin had to do a double take when he spotted a sexually explicit question on his teenage daughter’s homework assignment this week. “This needs to be seen. [What the hell] is going on in our schools???” the Florida father asked as he read the question aloud in a video posted to Facebook on Wednesday. The mulitple choice question reportedly read, “Ursula was devastated when her boyfriend broke up with her after having sex. To get revenge, she had sex with his best friend the next day. Ursula had a beautiful baby girl nine months later. Ursula has type O blood, her ex-boyfriend has AB blood and his best friend is type A blood. If her baby daddy is her ex-boyfriend what could the possible blood type(s) of her baby NOT be.” As of Friday evening, the video has been viewed more than 500 times and sparked a handful of comments from concerned residents. “Someone actually gets paid to make the test. I’m assuming someone checks the wording of the question? What happened to common sense!” one Facebook user wrote.

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Boner Candidate #2: BUT YOUR HONOR…SHE ALREADY HAS THE TICKETS.

The attorney representing a 17-year-old girl, who is facing felony-level vehicular homicide charges, asked the judge in her case if the Georgia teen could keep her passport to go on a cruise only a month after she was behind the wheel in a deadly crash that killed her friend. Prosecutors say the teen may have been using Snapchat while she drove 106 mph in a 65 mph zone when her Mini Cooper flipped, crashing into a tree and killing her friend, 18-year-old Makayla Penn, according to Atlanta’s Channel 2 Action News. Makayla died, and the teen driver was transported to the hospital. Now, Channel 2 reports, the teen is facing first-degree vehicular homicide charges, as well as charges of reckless driving and speeding. She has been placed on a $31,000 bond and the judge ordered that she cannot drive or use Snapchat.

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Boner Candidate #3: PERFECT EXAMPLE OF CREATING A HOSTILE WORK ENVIRONMENT

A doctor in Georgia has been charged with making terroristic threats after she allegedly threated to “slit” her employees’ throats. Marian Antoinette Patterson, a family practice doctor who’s worked in the Valdosta area for almost 30 years, allegedly shouted a slew of threats at her employees, WCTV reported. Authorities reportedly responded to Patterson’s South Georgia practice on Feb. 21 after reports of a disturbance. Patterson, according to authorities, told employees she would “slit their throats,” and even told one worker she was going to “cut her head off and roll it down the hallway,” and that she’d call the employee’s children to show them. The doctor allegedly grabbed at least one employee and threw a catalog, reflex hammer and prescription bottles, along with trying to throw a large potted plant. Patterson also tossed water on two employees, according to the Lowndes County Sheriff’s Office.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: GOD, PEOPLE CAN BE SO MEAN

The Special Olympics of Beaver County was an event that provided a lot of smiles for athletes at Geneva College Friday, but it also had a bit of disappointment. Prior to the event, organizers told Pittsburgh’s Action News 4, thieves took off with more than 600 medals and a lot of the sports equipment and paperwork needed for the event. The event went on as planned, but many of the athletes were sent home empty-handed. Organizers said they were setting up for the event overnight and the medals and equipment were taken sometime between 4 a.m. and 7 a.m. Friday morning. A police report was filed with Beaver Falls police and organizers plan to re-order all of the medals and distribute them to the schools in order to make sure every athletes gets one.

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Boner Candidate #2: GOOD!

What is it with the city of Cleveland and its residents’ yearning to introduce horse shit into their calorie intake? Who could forget that Cavaliers fan “celebrating” by bending down and eating a fresh pile of police horse turds after Cleveland won the NBA Championship in 2016? We sure didn’t, as watching a human being chow down on feces is just one of those things that only years of therapy could remove from your memory bank. Well, it appears as though another “human being” in Cleveland is about to eat horse shit, and it once again has to do with one of the city’s sports teams. ESPN Cleveland’s Aaron Goldhammer told his listening audience for weeks that he would eat horse poop if the Browns drafted Oklahoma quarterback Baker Mayfield last night. And son of a beehive, that’s exactly what happened.

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Boner Candidate #3: LEARNING TIME IS TOO HARD

As great as it is to be alive in 2018 there are some tremendous down-sides to the “digital age.” People are attempting absurd experiments with robots. Jesus has internet antennas. And it appears that some high school students no longer appear to be able to read a traditional analog clock. According to The Telegraph, teachers in the UK are making an effort to replace analog clocks with digital clocks because students have been consistently complaining about struggling to read the correct time on the analog model while taking important exams. Yes. This is real. “They are used to seeing a digital representation of time on their phone, on their computer. Nearly everything they’ve got is digital so youngsters are just exposed to time being given digitally everywhere.” That’s a quote from the area’s deputy general secretary of schools

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