Boners

Boners (Rounds One and Two) for February 20th, 2018

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT GOAT MAN?

A Gwinnett County man is facing an animal cruelty charge and possible deportation after video footage of him and two men force feeding a goat cocaine and whiskey surfaced. Sheriff investigators arrested Sergio Palomares-Guzman at a ranch on the 200 block of Grayson New Hope Road. The 28-year-old lived and worked at the ranch as a horse trainer. Footage from the January 2 incident shows Palomares-Guzman holding the goat’s horns while a second male suspect inserted cocaine into the goat’s nostril. Palomares-Guzman then forced the goat’s mouth open as the second suspect poured whiskey into the goat’s mouth. Following arrest, Palomares-Guzman was taken to Gwinnett County Jail and placed on an ICE detainer. The two other suspects have not been identified.

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Boner Candidate #2: I GOT TIRED OF BEING TASED.

A 57-year-old woman who Tased a man to keep him from leaving was charged with battery. The victim told the Okaloosa County Sheriff’s Office deputy who responded that after he got tired of being Tased, he called 911. He said they’d been upstairs “chilling” when she got up and grabbed the Taser. He said he hit her to try to stop her and then called 911. The victim had marks on his left flank consistent with being Tased. The two lived together and had been in a sexual relationship for 16 years, according to her OCSO arrest report.

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Boner Candidate #3: I ADMIT SHE LOOKS YOUNG.

A teacher at Logan High School was arrested and booked into jail Friday after allegedly having sex with a 15-year-old girl. Weber County sheriff’s deputies caught Joseph Scott Harris, 57, with the teen girl in a parked car in West Haven on Friday, according to a probable cause statement. “The two occupants were in various states of undress,” the document said. At the sheriff’s office, the teen told police she and Harris had engaged in sex acts multiple times since Jan. 3. In his interview, Harris said he’d met the girl online and thought she was 19, but “admitted” the teen “looked young,” the document says. He told police that the two had had sex on three occasions, the document says. Harris was booked into the Weber County jail on suspicion of six counts of unlawful sexual activity with a minor, a third-degree felony. His bail was set at $30,000. He was not listed as an inmate as of Monday. Harris has not been formally charged, and therefore, no court dates have been set.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: EAT MORE CHICKEN!

A Georgia woman was so desperate for a discount at Chick-fil-A that she impersonated a federal law enforcement officer — even telling managers she was working undercover, according to authorities. Tara Marie Solem, of Marietta, was charged Thursday on two felony counts of impersonating an officer in connection with an incident in July at a Chick-fil-A location in Macland Cross Circle, the Atlanta Journal-Constitution reports. Solem at first tried to convince a drive-through employee that she was a federal agent but was unsuccessful. She then went inside the restaurant and flashed a silver badge at two managers in a bid to persuade them that she was a federal law enforcement officer. “She stated that she was undercover and that for them asking her to be in uniform would blow her cover and [possibly] get her killed,” according to the arrest warrant cited by the paper.

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Boner Candidate #2: I’M GUESSING THE REHAB DIDN’T TAKE.

A Florida woman was arrested on Thursday after deputies said she drove intoxicated with a child sitting above an open case of beer tucked in the back seat. A Palm Beach County Sheriff’s deputy pulled over Miami resident Stephanie Roque, 30, about 11 a.m. after she made a complete stop in her SUV in the center of a lane, the Palm Beach Post reported. The deputy said that Roque’s drivers license was suspended, and noticed she had a “strong smell of alcohol,” the arrest report states. Roque told the deputy that she “just got out of rehab today for a drinking problem,” according to the report. The deputy found a child in the backseat of the car with an open 12-pack of beer sitting underneath the child’s feet, the Palm Beach Post reported. Only nine of the 12 beers were in the case, the report states.

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Boner Candidate #3: PERHAPS HIS THUMB COULD BE A SOUVENIR FOR CHINA

Some people’s idea of justice is an eye for an eye, but China wants “severe punishment” for a man who stole a clay thumb. Michael Rohana, 24, was charged last week for allegedly breaking a thumb off the left hand of a 2,000-year-old terra-cotta warrior on display at the Franklin Institute in Philadelphia. The incident is said to have occurred in December while he attended the museum’s ugly Christmas sweater party. The FBI said Rohana snuck away from the party and used a cellular telephone as a flashlight to look at exhibits that were displayed in a closed-off showroom. At one point, he stepped up onto a platform supporting one of the statues on display and took a selfie, according to China’s Xinhua News Agency. Security cameras show Rohana putting his hand on the left hand of the statue, and then appearing to break something off from its left hand and put it in his pocket before leaving the room, according to an arrest affidavit. The museumgoer allegedly took the clay digit to his home in Bear, Delaware, as a souvenir. He is now accused of theft of an artwork from a museum, concealment of the artwork and interstate transportation of stolen property, according to The New York Times.

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