Boners

Boners (Rounds One and Two) for February 27th, 2018

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: THE VIDEO PROVES YOU CAN PEE THAT HIGH.

A boy in China thought it was a good idea to hose down the buttons in his elevator by peeing all over them. I have to say, he’s got an impressive spray, able to douse the entire panel. But soon after he zipped up and readied himself to disembark the lift, the doors jiggled around but didn’t open for him. The buttons started blinking in a glitchy fit, going haywire as the lights went dark. The boy was trapped, and according to Metro, had to be rescued by a maintenance crew. He tried to deny any wrong doing – even his parents came to his defense and said it would be impossible to pee that high – but hey, that’s where videos come in handy. His parents will have to pay for the damages.

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Boner Candidate #2: CAN’T SOMEONE FIND ARIZONA REPUBLICANS A CANDIDATE NOT INVOLVED IN SEX SCANDALS

Republicans are fretting that a front-runner for an Arizona congressional seat — a married minister involved in a sexting scandal — will pull a Roy Moore and hand the seat to Democrats if he wins Tuesday’s special-election primary. The seat vacated by former GOP Rep. Trent Franks — who resigned last December over his own sex scandal — should be an easy hold for Republicans. But a bombshell report of nude photos and text messages exchanged between the candidate, former state Sen. Steve Montenegro, and a legislative staffer — published just a week before the election — has left GOP operatives worried that “it could be Alabama all over again,” said Shiree Verdone, who ran Arizona Sen. John McCain’s 2010 Senate race. Before the turmoil, Montenegro had lined up endorsements from Franks and Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas), whose leadership PAC boosted Montenegro in TV ads. He was tied in the polls with Debbie Lesko, his former colleague in the state Senate — both quit the chamber to run for the seat — when ballots were mailed out at the end of January.

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Boner Candidate #3: IT WASN’T ME IT WAS VERNON DEMEREST

A senior Australian state police officer has resigned over racist and obscene comments he posted online under a fake name and is being investigated by an anti-corruption agency. Victoria State Police Chief Commissioner Graham Ashton said he accepted Assistant Commissioner Brett Guerin’s resignation on Monday night. Guerin had been in charge of Professional Standards, the force’s internal misbehavior watchdog. Guerin created a Facebook profile under the pseudonym Vernon Demerest, a character played by Dean Martin in the 1970 movie “Airport.” Demerest’s racist rants have targeted Indians, Pakistanis, Somalis and Argentinians. He also attacked former senior police in obscene posts and argued that women should not be allowed to sing Australia’s national anthem.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: HE’S ESCAPING…VERY SLOWLY

Last Thursday, the CBC reported that a man seen floating down the Petitcodiac River on an ice floe had safely reached shore, despite having repeatedly refused to grab ropes thrown to him by rescue workers. The floe eventually got close enough to shore that he could jump off. He was greeted by paramedics who wanted to check on his condition, and by RCMP officers who wanted to know just what in de heck he was doing on dat ice floe dere.  Turns out he was trying to escape. On Friday, police identified the man as Mike Delahunt, who is “infamous” in the area (Moncton, New Brunswick) for having assaulted people who asked him to stop golfing in a public park. Delahunt seems to have stayed out of the spotlight after serving his sentence for those incidents, which took place in 2013. But that ended last week, when he allegedly fled from the scene of a domestic-violence incident and, for whatever reason, made floating down the river on a chunk of ice a part of his escape attempt.

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Boner Candidate #2: YOU HAVE “SEXY ASS TOES”.

An Army recruiter allegedly sent a nude photo to a 16-year-old girl after meeting her at a high school in Texas, telling her on Snapchat, “I’m no angel.” Adam Matthew Perkins 37, turned himself into police in Deer Park on Friday after a warrant was issued for his arrest on a charge of displaying harmful material to a minor. He allegedly sent a photo of his genitals to a 16-year-old Deer Park High School student via Snapchat, the Deer Park Police Department said Monday. Perkins met the female student while she was selling cake balls during a fundraiser at her school in December. The Army recruiter donated $20 before exchanging Snapchat usernames with the girl, the Dallas Morning News reports. The first photo sent by Perkins was a selfie showing him eating a cake ball, but investigators said subsequent messages took a sexual turn, with Perkins telling the teen: “I’m no angel.” Perkins also told the girl that she had “sexy ass toes,” police said. The girl reported receiving a nude photo of Perkins on a bed on Dec. 13. The image was visible on Snapchat for two to three seconds before disappearing, she told police.

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Boner Candidate #3: HE GAVE ME A TWO FINGER SALUTE.

An elderly man has been captured on video driving his mobility scooter on a 70mph dual carriageway as cars speed past him. The man is filmed driving his electric scooter on the A4174 ring road near Longwell Green towards the Asda supermarket on Thursday (February 23). Witness Rob (@trebortimz) caught the incident on camera and uploaded it to Twitter to show Avon and Somerset Police. Rob said he urged the man turn around and get off the carriageway but said he was given a “two finger salute”. The video shows the man driving along the thin part of the road just off the carriageway as he is passed by vehicles at high speed, including a large lorry. Only certain types of mobility scooter are allowed on the road, but the government also urge users not to drive them on dual carriageways with speed limits of over 50mph.

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