Boners

Boners (Rounds One and Two) for March 21st, 2018

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: THAT’S JUST THE WAY GRANDMA LIKES TO CELEBRATE

Chairs were thrown and arrests were made when a fight broke out at Golden Corral on Sunday night. Terrance Jones told police he was at the restaurant celebrating his grandmother’s birthday when people tried to fight him at about 7 p.m. Video footage showed four men became involved when Jones pushed another man after an argument, including Kendrick Jones and two unidentified men, according to the report. A witness told police people started throwing chairs and anything they could get their hands on, while he and other witnesses tried to break up the fight. An employee told police Kendrick Jones threatened to hit her when she tried to help break it up. Two people were hit in the face by the chairs, one with a cut to the chin and the other was hit just outside the left eye, according to the report. In the eating area, police reported chairs were turned over; plates, cups and silverware were on the floor; and food was all over the floor and walls.

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Boner Candidate #2: BUT HE’S GOT A PLACE ON THE BALLOT

A Holocaust denier and avowed neo-Nazi won the GOP nomination Tuesday night for a congressional seat in Illinois. Arthur Jones, 70, ran uncontested on the Republican line for the 3rd Congressional District and was declared the winner by the Associated Press shortly after polls closed. Jones will face the winner of the hotly contested Democratic race between conservative incumbent Rep. Dan Lipinski and liberal newcomer Marie Newman. The state GOP has long disavowed Jones and has no plans to help him in a suburban Chicago race that’s considered a lock for whoever wins the Democratic primary. Jones told the Chicago Sun-Times back in February he’s a former leader of the American Nazi Party. On his campaign website, one tab is labeled: “Holocaust?” There he posts propaganda aimed at disproving the Nazi genocide before and during World War II.

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Boner Candidate #3: HE IS SINCERE AND REMORSEFUL

OSWEGO, N.Y. — A New York man has admitted striking a 10-year-old girl with a screwdriver, dragging her behind a vehicle with a rope and forcing hot sauce into her duct tape-covered mouth. Shawn Whaley, 24, pleaded guilty to 13 charges on Monday in Oswego County including assault, unlawful imprisonment, tampering with physical evidence, coercion and endangering the welfare of a child, according to The Post-Standard. Defense lawyer Sal Lanza said Whaley was “sincere” and “remorseful.” Besides serving a two and one-third to seven year prison sentence, Whaley also will receive three years of post -release supervision, Lanza said. Sentencing is scheduled for May 29.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: MY FRUGAL WIFE CANDY WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT

After reports surfaced earlier this month that Housing and Urban Development Secretary Ben Carson spent $31,000 of taxpayer funds on a dining set for his government office, the former Republican presidential candidate said he was “as surprised as anyone to find out” about the lavish purchase. That’s because Carson’s wife was responsible for the decision, the secretary said at a congressional hearing on Tuesday. After staffers gave Carson a few options for tables, the secretary said he “left it with [his] wife” and asked her to “help choose something.” “The next thing that I, quite frankly, heard about it was that this $31,000 table had been bought,” he told a House Appropriations subcommittee. “I said, ‘What the heck is that all about?’ I investigated, I immediately had it canceled. Not that we don’t need the furniture, but I thought that that was excessive.”

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Boner Candidate #2: IF YOU HAD A NAME LIKE JOSEPH BOREN, YOU’D CHANGE IT TOO

A Florida man was arrested early yesterday after telling police that his name was “Captain Dickhead.” Cops responding to a 1:45 AM disturbance at a residence in Sebastian encountered Pamela Alonge, who apologized for arguing loudly with her boyfriend in the home’s backyard. When asked multiple times to identify himself, the boyfriend refused and was “being evasive and argumentative with officers at the scene,” according to an arrest affidavit. After cops handcuffed the man, they took one more shot at extracting a name from him. “At which time he said his name was ‘Captain Dickhead,’” an officer reported. Investigators subsequently identified “Dickhead” as Joseph Boren, 25. He was arrested on a misdemeanor obstruction charge. After eight hours in custody, Boren (seen above) was released from jail on his own recognizance. Boren is scheduled for an April 17 court appearance.

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Boner Candidate #3: NOW THAT HE’S BEEN FREED FROM SLAVERY HE’LL PROBABLY BE DEPORTED

OMAHA, Neb. — Two former western Nebraska motel managers will spend a year and a day in federal prison and be deported for enslaving and abusing their nephew. Vishnubhai Chaudhari, 50, and Leelabahen Chaudhari, 44, were sentenced Monday in federal court in Omaha, the Omaha World-Herald reported . They pleaded guilty to conspiracy and alien harboring for financial gain in December. They’ve also paid the man $40,000 in restitution. The couple managed a Super 8 Motel in Kimball, about 120 miles northeast of Denver. Investigators said the couple arranged for their nephew’s bond to be paid after he was taken into immigration custody in 2011 and then forced him to work for them from October 2011 to February 2013. All three are from India and illegally living in the U.S.

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