Boners

Boners (Rounds One and Two) for March 22nd, 2018

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: IT REALLY SHOWS THE AGONY OF DEFEAT.

There’s no crying in baseball. Or so the movie goes. But for some TV viewers, they don’t want to see crying in basketball, either. Specifially, crying children. After the NCAA tournament’s opening weekend, some people were not too happy with part of the coverage provided by CBS and Turner Sports. The first rounds of games — which saw the field whittled from 68 teams to 16 — featured shocking upsets, huge comebacks and last-second shots that created a buzz on social media. While viewers were treated to celebration, jubilation and elation, coverage also featured what have become customary shots of defeat, disappointment and yes, crying. In an interview with Yahoo Sports, CBS executive producer Harold Bryant defended the coverage. “It’s part of the drama and the storytelling of the tournament,” he said. “It’s part of the emotion. We try to capture the emotion and we try to strike that right balance.” Some fans have described the shots on social media as lazy, cheap and exploitative.

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Boner Candidate #2: I LOVE MY NEW GUN SO I’M GONNA SLEEP WITH IT

Police say a 30-year-old Omaha, Nebraska, man accidentally shot his pinky finger after falling asleep holding his new handgun. The Omaha World-Herald reports the accident happened early Tuesday. Police say the man told officers he was sitting on a couch in his house when he “must have fallen asleep” holding his newly-purchased 9 mm pistol in his right hand. He told officers he awoke around 4:30 a.m. to a loud bang and realized he had shot his left pinky finger. The man’s wife and children were asleep at the time and weren’t hurt. The man was taken to a hospital where he was told the wound would require surgery.

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Boner Candidate #3: BUDDAH, THE PUG DOG NAZI.

A Scottish YouTube comedian, Mark Meechan, was found guilty of a hate crime on Tuesday for posting a video of himself training his girlfriend’s pug, Buddha, to mimic a Nazi and respond to commands the court ruled anti-Semitic. In the video from April 2016, Buddha is shown watching Adolph Hitler speaking at a rally at the 1936 Olympic Games in Berlin, raising its paw at the command of “Sieg Heil,” and becoming alert every time Meechan says “gas the Jews”—a trick Meechan demonstrates a dozen times. Meechan, whose YouTube account name is Count Dankula, praises Buddha in the video by saying, “Who’s a good wee Nazi!” At the end of the video—which is still up on YouTube in restricted mode and has been viewed more than 3 million times—Meechan says he’s not a racist, he just wanted to piss off his girlfriend. He provided the same explanation in court, according to BBC. Ephraim Borowski, head director of the Scottish Council of Jewish Communities, spoke at the trial, according to The Times. He told the court that his family members died in the Holocaust and he could not see how it could be made into a joke.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: TUCKER CARLSON IS AFRAID OF IMMIGRANTS

Just when you thought the sentient celery stalk who cosplays as a concerned as fuck-looking, mediocre, diet white nationalist on Fox News couldn’t get in any whiter… You should know that there’s no limit to how low Caucasian shenanigans can go. Fox News’ proprietary brand of whiteness is like absolute zero and episodes of Real Housewives—the bottom is only theoretical. On Tuesday night the Great Value Eddie Haskell (You’re too young … Google it) did a segment on a recent National Geographic article about how white people felt “left behind” by America’s changing demographics. The piece tries to explain white America’s anxiety about losing their “culture” (which—as far as I can tell—is wholly comprised of hackysack, the most boring versions of church hymns and craft beer) by focusing on the coal town of Hazelton, Penn. Tucker sums up the piece by explaining how Hazelton was 2.5 percent Hispanic in 2000 but now the population is majority Hispanic.

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Boner Candidate #2: IF UNCLE LOUIE JOINS THE ARMY HE’S FREAKING STUPID.

A Southern California teacher who was recorded bashing the U.S. military in a profane classroom rant was fired Tuesday evening. Board of Education President Aurora Villon said the El Rancho Unified School District reached a unanimous decision to fire Gregory Salcido, a history teacher at El Rancho High School and elected Pico Rivera city councilman, the Los Angeles Times reported. “His comments do not reflect what we stand for, who we are,” Villon said, adding that “the classroom should never be a place where students feel that they are picked at, bullied, intimidated.” Salcido faced a severe backlash after a student secretly recorded him asking his government class why they would want to serve in the military, calling those who serve “dumbs‑‑‑s.” “Think about the people who you know who are over there. Your freaking stupid Uncle Louie or whatever. They’re dumbs‑‑‑s,” Salcido can be heard saying in the Jan. 25 tirade. “They’re not like high-level thinkers, they’re not academic people, they’re not intellectual people. They’re the lowest of our low.”

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Boner Candidate #3: THERE YA GO. START LEGALIZING POT AND THIS HAPPENS

A North Carolina mother was arrested after she posted a Facebook video of her young child smoking marijuana. Raleigh Police Department said it received several complaints Wednesday morning about a Facebook user named Bree Bhadd who had posted a disturbing video of her child smoking, WRAL reports. In the video, which has since been deleted from Facebook, the woman is seen holding a joint up to the child’s mouth as the baby inhales and exhales. Smoke is seen billowing from the infant’s mouth. Police identified the mother as 20-year-old Brianna Ashanti Lofton. She was arrested and charged with two counts of felony child abuse, contributing to delinquency and possession of marijuana. Lofton is being held at the Wake County Detention Center. The baby, who is only one-year-old, was placed into child protective services.

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