Boners

Boners (Rounds One and Two) for March 27th, 2018

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: DODGE THE FATHER

In case the photo is too blurry, it says “Dodge the father, Ram the daughter” because he is driving a Dodge Ram. So I guess disgusting messages on vehicles in West Valley isn’t limited to racism. Maybe this guy doesn’t mean it literally, or in the violent manner it implies… but maybe he does. Who knows? Displaying it like a personal motto make me think it’s more than just a tasteless joke. It’s things like this that make me a little more nervous every day as a small and fairly physically weak woman to go places by myself and be wary of strangers. I don’t want to be afraid – I am a pretty friendly person and like to get to know new people all the time. However, my fears are getting the better of me. I have further theories on how these and other feelings in people living in these times are a big reason why there is such a surge of enthusiasm for super hero culture, but that’s a topic for another time…

Email sent to Bill.

Boner Candidate #2: SO…ABOUT OUR EASTER EGG HUNT….

People who live in an Arizona neighborhood are being warned that eggs from an Easter egg drop may be contaminated, according to KTVK. The Mohave County Department of Public Health released a notice Saturday that warned residents about the eggs, used in an Easter event in Mohave Valley. The Mohave Valley Fire Department posted to Facebook that the eggs were dropped from a crop duster airplane. The tank of the crop duster was apparently not rinsed out and some eggs may have been covered in herbicide, according to the department. The county health department said the plane used by organizers was “reportedly scrubbed multiple times prior to being used for the candy drop.” The health department also said that at the time of the notice, no illnesses had been reported.

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Boner Candidate #3: WHO GETS UP AT 2AM TO MAKE SKETTI?

A Florida man received an alert on his phone last week at work – intruders had covered a surveillance camera at his home with a towel. He called 911. Behind the towel, a bizarre, vengeance-based crime unfolded involving a bull onesie and an arson attempt using a pot of boiling spaghetti sauce, authorities told WKMC. Derrick Irving and John Silva, arrested March 13 by Volusia County sheriff’s deputies, broke into the home of a man Irving had previously dated to steal a flat-screen television and other items, sheriff’s officials told the station. Then they set a pot of spaghetti sauce on the stove with a washcloth on the burner in hopes of starting a fire to cover up the burglary, deputies told WKMC. “He was trying to make it look like I left the stove on, but who gets up 2 a.m. and fixes sketti?” asked the victim, who had left for work at 2 that morning, reported WKMC. When officers responding to the 7 a.m. 911 call pulled over Silva and Irving near the home, they found an empty jar of Ragu spaghetti sauce in the duo’s getaway car, deputies told the station.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: I WAS JUST CUTTIN’ HAM

Stabbed in the gut, a Peoria County woman blamed her sister, who in turn blamed a ham-cutting accident, police say. About 8:30 p.m. Thursday, Peoria County sheriff’s deputies were called regarding a stabbing at a residence in the 3300 block of West Augustana Avenue, just west of Peoria’s western city limit. Deputies arrived to find a resident, Carolinn Carpentier, 48, standing in the driveway, holding her stomach, according to a police report. Two puncture wounds were visible to her abdomen, the report stated. As Carpentier was loaded into an ambulance, she said she had been on the second floor of the dwelling and arguing with her sister, who stabbed her twice, the report stated. Without offering specifics, Carpentier said “the only reason” for the stabbing would be that her sister was “jealous” of her, the report said. Upstairs, deputies found a wood-handle pocketknife on a dresser and apparent blood droplets on the carpet, the report said. The sister, Annajohn Carpentier, 49, who also lives at the residence, told deputies that the stabbing was an accident: “I was cutting up my ham when she ran into my knife.” Asked to describe the knife used, Annajohn Carpentier described the same pocketknife recovered from atop the dresser.

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Boner Candidate #2: OH, HUMANITY.

A New York woman was arrested over the weekend, along with a man from Florida, for swiping mementos — including teddy bears, plaques and pinwheels — from a memorial site honoring those killed in the Parkland massacre, a report says. The alleged theft took place on Sunday night around 10 p.m., leaving local officials stunned. “It’s completely disgusting,” said Broward County Commissioner Michael Udine. “It’s sickening to me, especially in light of the fact that everybody has tried to treat every aspect of this with so much dignity and respect,” he told the Sun-Sentinel. “So gross.” Kara M. O’Neil, 37, of Fulton, NY, and Michael Shawn Kennedy, 40, of Hollywood, Fla, were busted Sunday with an array of items from the Parkland memorial site — located outside Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School, where 17 people were killed on Feb. 14 in a mass shooting. Their haul included numerous tokens of kindness and remembrance left behind by students and victims’ families, according to police.

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Boner Candidate #3: IF IT WEREN’T FOR YOUR DEAD CLASSMATES NO ONE WOULD KNOW YOU.

As they’ve stepped out of the hallways of Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School and into the national spotlight, the Parkland, Fla., teenagers have become Twitter influencers, TV news show mainstays and the stoic-faced subjects of a Time magazine cover. But they’ve also increasingly become targets: Their most prominent critics are people who see them less as survivors of a tragedy and more as pawns in a larger effort to influence gun policy. The latest attack came from Colion Noir, a host on NRATV who took to the airwaves on the eve of the Parkland teens-led March on Washington, telling them: “No one would know your names” if a student gunman hadn’t stormed into their school and killed three staff members and 14 students. “To all the kids from Parkland getting ready to use your First Amendment to attack everyone else’s Second Amendment at your march on Saturday, I wish a hero like Blaine Gaskill had been at Marjory Douglas High School last month because your classmates would still be alive and no one would know your names, because the media would have completely and utterly ignored your story, the way they ignored his,” Noir said.

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