Boners

Boners (Rounds One and Two) for March 2nd, 2018

Round One

Boner Candidate #1: MY MIDDLE NAME IS TROUBLE.

A man with “Trouble” as his middle name has ended up in trouble. Lincoln police arrested Rodney “Trouble” Phillips, 33, for burglary shortly before midnight Tuesday. Police said a 56-year-old man waved down a passing ambulance and reported that he was with three acquaintances when Phillips told him to hand over his jewelry. The victim said Phillips started punching him in the face, officers said. Police said the victim was struck two to four times, and Phillips took a ring and necklace from him. A short time later, a witness reported a man was looking in car windows in the area. Phillips was located nearby and arrested. Police said Phillips was already being sought in connection with a previous burglary at JL Exteriors.

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Boner Candidate #2: THE STUPIDEST DUMBASS PEOPLE I’VE EVER MET

Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-Utah) on Thursday called ObamaCare supporters “the stupidest, dumbass people” he’s ever met. Orrin made the comments during a speech at the American Enterprise Institute about the GOP tax overhaul, which repealed the ObamaCare individual mandate. “[We] finally did away with the individual mandate tax that was established under that wonderful bill called ObamaCare,” Hatch said during his remarks. “Now, if you didn’t catch on, I was being very sarcastic. That was the stupidest, dumbass bill that I’ve ever seen.” “Some of you may have loved it,” he continued. “If you do, you are one of the stupidest, dumbass people I’ve ever met. And there are a lot of them up there on Capitol Hill from time to time.” A poll released Thursday by the Kaiser Family Foundation found that ObamaCare’s approval rating has reached 54 percent, its highest since the law went into effect in 2010.

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Boner Candidate #3:  NOEL GIVES THE MIDDLE FINGER TO MANY UTAHNS

The Utah State Legislature will consider a proposal to name a road after President Trump. Rep. Mike Noel, R-Kanab, introduced House Bill 481 on Thursday, which would rename the Utah National Parks Highway as the “Donald J. Trump Utah National Parks Highway.” Rep. Noel told FOX 13 it was in appreciation for the president’s work on public lands, particularly shrinking Bears Ears and Grand Staircase-Escalante national monuments and advocating for local control of public lands. “I believe and trust what he’s done and I think we ought to recognize him for that. This is to dispel the myths that come out in the news that this guy is going to damage the public lands. He’s not,” Rep. Noel said.

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Round Two

Boner Candidate #1: WE TOOK HIM WHERE HE SAID TO TAKE HIM

A drunk New Jersey native reportedly went out with friends in Morgantown, West Virginia, last Friday, and then called an Uber to take him home. Kenny Bachman says he thought he was going back to the place he was staying during his trip, near the West Virginia University Campus. Except, the Uber driver took Bachman to his home in Gloucester County, New Jersey. That 300-mile drive cost Bachman $1,635.93, according to a report from NJ.com. Bachman apparently didn’t sleep through the whole ride in the 2011 Toyota Sienna minivan. He came to two hours in. “I just woke up,” Bachman told NJ.com. “And I’m thinking, ‘Why the fuck am I in the car next to some random ass dude I don’t even know?” He then submitted to his fate “[W]hat am I, just going to get dropped off on the side of the road?” Bachman told the outlet. “Once the ride ended and I saw how much it was when I was like, ‘Alright, this is insane, that’s just crazy.’” Adding insult to injury, Bachman accidentally ordered an Uber XL instead of an Uber X. The NJ.com report says the fare would have been $819.14 (booking fee: $2.35, base fare: $3.94, time: $115.90, distance: $696.95) had Bachman selected the cheaper service. As he hazily came to terms with the mistake, Bachman apparently didn’t take out any frustration on his driver. Bachman says he took cash out at a CVS so the driver would have enough money for tolls back to West Virginia, and he gave the driver 5 stars.

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Boner Candidate #2: MY SHOW AND TELL BIT ME!

Officials say a Florida teenager has been bitten by a venomous snake at school. The Daytona Beach News-Journal reports that the bite happened shortly after classes ended Wednesday at University High School in Orange City. A Volusia County schools spokeswoman says the 19-year-old student found the coral snake and brought it to the school’s courtyard, where the reptile bit him on a knuckle. Paramedics responded and took the student to a Sanford hospital. The student’s condition wasn’t immediately known.

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Boner Candidate #3: I THINK MY EARS ARE BLEEDING

The Utah House of Representatives said Wednesday that some of its lawmakers had “taken the time” to explain how a bill becomes a law by creating a “rap parody” set to the “Fresh Prince of Bel Air” theme song. Readers may not even have to view the video, which has been described as “embarrassing,” “abysmal” and “a nightmare,” to ask the inevitable question: Why? Even Salt Lake City’s Department of Health seemed to troll the lawmakers. A spokeswoman for the Utah House told HuffPost that the video grew out of an idea provided by an intern in the chamber’s communications department. The intern thought it would be “a fun and creative way” to make people more aware of the legislative process.

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