Boners

Boner Candidate Preview April 20, 2016

Boner Candidate #1: KEEP YOUR COMMENTS TO BASEBALL CURT

Memo to Curt Schilling: You can delete it from your Facebook page, but that doesn’t mean it’s erased from the Internet. Schilling, the ESPN baseball analyst and former major league pitcher, posted a surprisingly offensive meme on his Facebook page Monday, mocking the transgender community in general, and the lack of access to public bathroom facilities in particular.

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Boner Candidate #2: WHEELCHAIR THIEVES

Thieves have stolen a specially adapted $2,900 buggy belonging to a 4-year-old cerebral palsy sufferer who is waiting to undergo life-saving surgery. Bailey Walters-Lawrence was in Disneyland Paris on a special trip organized by the Make-A-Wish Foundation when her family home in England was targeted by heartless crooks.

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Boner Candidate #3: OH YOU WANTED THE GOOD SPERM? THE GOOD SPERM COSTS EXTRA.

When Angela Collins and her partner wanted to have a child, they reached out to a sperm bank in Georgia to look for potential donors. They thought they had found the perfect match in Donor 9623, described as a man with an I.Q. of 160 who was healthy and working toward his Ph.D.

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Boner Candidate #4: I HAD DIBS!

“I was angry because she was raped, that’s one thing. But she was so beautiful, the mayor should have been first. What a waste.” The mayor to whom he was referring, by the way, is himself, Rodrigo “Digong” Duterte, mayor of Davao City on the southern island of Mindanao in the Philippines.

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Boner Candidate #5: “IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO”

I understand the idea of Christian church leaders hiring someone with a messed up past because they believe this person has been rehabilitated. He found God. He’s been saved. He’s one of us now. Let’s forgive him. But you’d have to be very open with the congregation about who this person is, what he did, and how you know he’s changed his ways.

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