Boners

Boner Candidate Preview August 10, 2016

Boner Candidate #1: WELL, I CAN’T STAND UP TO SCOTT WALKER

A last-minute radio ad in a Wisconsin Assembly district goes after a candidate for not “standing up” to Gov. Scott Walker (R). That candidate, Jimmy Anderson, is paralyzed from the chest down. Anderson, a 29-year-old Democrat, is one of three candidates running for the open seat in the 47th District in Tuesday’s election.  The Construction Trades Coalition is behind the questionable ad, which also refers to giving Walker “walking papers”:

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Boner Candidate #2: COME ON YOU SISSIES….JUST WASH IT OFF

A video of a mouse crawling all over vegetables at a Covina supermarket has gone viral, making hundreds of thousands of Facebook viewers cringe. The video was shot in the produce department of the El Super store on Arrow Highway. Some customers said they are very upset. “Now by hearing this, I might end up going somewhere else. I don’t think that’s healthy,” shopper Elissa Melgar said.

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Boner Candidate #3: I’M THINKING THE MAYOR HAS ISSUES

Mayoral meltdown • South Jordan Mayor David Alvord stomped out of a City Council meeting last week because the council won’t let him have a new flag. As he left, he told the members they would have to appoint a mayor pro tem for the rest of the meeting. Alvord has been lobbying for a new design to replace the city’s current flag, which depicts a tree inside of a circle. He raised the idea of staging a contest for a new flag several weeks ago. The council voted it down.

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Boner Candidate #4: APPARENTLY HIS CHURCH MISSION TAUGHT HIM NOTHIN’

A Piute County man pleaded guilty last month to poaching and killing a bald eagle and a buck deer in southern Utah. The two charges — wanton destruction of protected wildlife and attempted wanton destruction of protected wildlife — were filed as third-degree felonies, but each was amended to a class A misdemeanor during the poacher’s initial court appearance. He pleaded guilty in Sixth District Court to the lessened charges on July 18 and was ordered to pay $1,400 as restitution.

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Boner Candidate #5: DERP

Well, that was embarrassing. French fencer Enzo Lefort clearly did not fully think through his decision to keep his phone in his pocket during his bout against Germany’s Peter Joppich at the Olympics. Joppich lunged at Lefort, causing the Frenchman to awkwardly stumble over his feet. This was just the beginning of Lefort’s embarrassment, as his phone fell from his back pocket and slid across the floor.

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Boner Candidate #6: ANOTHER FUNNY TRUMP JOKE

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how Israeli Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin got assassinated. His right-wing opponents just kept delegitimizing him as a “traitor” and “a Nazi” for wanting to make peace with the Palestinians and give back part of the Land of Israel. Of course, all is fair in politics, right? And they had God on their side, right? They weren’t actually telling anyone to assassinate Rabin. That would be horrible.

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