Boners

Boner Candidate Preview August 3, 2016

Boner Candidate #1: DOUCHE DOUCHE BABY

Poor Robert Van Winkle. When he’s not getting arrested for burglary, he’s getting filmed throwing tantrums in airports. The person filming Vanilla Ice didn’t capture the inciting incident, but in the YouTube video’s caption, he claims that the rapper-cum-reality TV show host freaked out on a Delta employee after he missed the boarding call at an Atlanta airport. (Ice had been talking on his phone.) The “Ice Ice Baby” vocalist then proceeded to flip out on the gentleman at the counter as well as a female employee who interceded.

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Boner Candidate #2: THIS IS MY GHOST CHASER

A ‘ghost hunter’ has been arrested by police for chasing spooks with a MACHETE. Jonathan Ponce was high on drugs when he was collared by officers when his ‘spook search’ got out of control. He claimed he had the weapon to ‘chase ghosts’. Police are convinced the suspect was under the influence of a drug called Molly . The 31-year-old man, along with his 26-year-old girlfriend, is accused of endangering two young children.

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Boner Candidate #3: USING OUR GUNS WOULD HAVE BEEN DANGEROUS

Authorities say they’re investigating reports that two police officers used a golf cart to purposely run down and kill a groundhog during a tournament hosted by an upstate New York police department’s union. Officials in Troy said Monday that witnesses reported seeing the cart drive over tee boxes and onto greens at the city-owned Frear Park Golf Course on Friday afternoon. City Council President Carmella Mantello says officials have been told two men used the cart to hunt down the animal and run it over near one of the course’s holes.

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Boner Candidate #4: I WAS JUST OFFERING AN ALTERNATIVE WAY TO BAIL OUT OF JAIL

A Virginia bail bondsman is facing charges after police say he offered to bail women out of jail in exchange for sex. Media outlets report that 60-year-old Vladimir Tarabay was arrested Friday on two counts of threat to extort money and an attempt at sodomy of a helpless victim over the age of 13. Henrico County Sheriff Mike Wade says the charges were brought after a victim came forward and said Tarabay propositioned clients to have sex or perform sexual acts on him in lieu of payment to be released from jail.

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Boner Candidate #5: DO NOT TRY TO BE GANGSTA WHILE SNAPCHATTING

A woman in the US state of Florida tried to Snapchat a video of herself holding a gun but instead accidentally shot her cellphone, injuring her right hand, authorities said. Regina Powell, 22, said she was “foolishly playing” with the .40 caliber semi-automatic handgun, trying to make a Snapchat video, when it went off, the Volusia county sheriff’s office said. The bullet destroyed her cellphone and injured her thumb and index finger. The incident occurred Sunday in Deltona, Florida.

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Boner Candidate #6: THEY WERE GOOD PARENTS UNTIL…POKEMON GO.

An Arizona couple face multiple charges after police say they abandoned their 2-year-old boy at home to play Pokemon Go. The toddler, wearing just a diaper and T-shirt, managed to wander out of the house and into the 96-degree heat, according to a Pinal County Sheriff’s Office report. A neighbor called 911 and deputies found the child wailing outside the San Tan Valley home, trying to get in, according to KFVS. The boy was “red faced, sweaty and dirty” by the time deputies arrived, according to the report.

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