Boners

Boner Candidate Preview July 12, 2016

Boner Candidate #1: I THINK SHE WAS FIRED BECAUSE SHE WAS AN EMBARRASSING DANCER

America, land of the free, where our police officers have the liberty of posting sexy selfies or making videos of their provocative dancing. We know that these titillating activities can get you in trouble in Mexico. It turns out that if you are a cop caught on video dancing seductively you can get canned in Russia as well. A 26-year-old Russian police officer, who has only been identified as Kristina, was sacked from her job after a video of her sexy dance video was revealed. The Moscow Metro policewoman uploaded her flirtatious video on a private Facebook group for police, but the footage was sent to her superiors and eventually leaked to the public.

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Boner Candidate #2: IT WAS THE LAST SLICE GRAMPS

Police say a 78-year-old man in Caseyville, Illinois, was beaten with his own cane, by his grandson, during an argument over who ate the last piece of pizza. St. Clair County prosecutors on Friday charged Charles J. Trione, 27, with aggravted battery and domestic battery. Caseyville Police Sgt. Gerard Spratt said that police were called on the night of June 30 for a report of a domestic disturbance. “The disturbance was over who ate the last of the pizza in the refrigerator at the house,” Spratt said. He said Trione pushed his grandfather to the floor in the kitchen and then beat him with the grandfather’s cane. When police arrived, the suspect was gone.

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Boner Candidate #3: SAND! IT’S JUST SAND!

A busty mermaid sculpted from sand and placed outside a popular Cape Cod restaurant is raising eyebrows and triggering complaints. The town of Yarmouth, Massachusetts, and the local Chamber of Commerce say they fielded complaints from locals about the exaggerated proportions of the mermaid’s chest. Yarmouth’s police department took down photos of the sculpture from its Facebook page after residents said they found the work of art offensive. The mermaid clad in a clamshell bikini is one of 41 sand sculptures placed around town as part of the annual Yarmouth Summer Celebration. Salty’s restaurant owner Raymond Roy tells the Cape Cod Times he’s surprised at the fuss. Roy says the mermaid isn’t nude and shouldn’t be censored.

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Boner Candidate #4: LET THE FIREFIGHTERS DO THEIR JOBS

It’s a sequel crews fighting the stubborn, month-old Saddle wildfire dreaded, and one that — after two more incidents this past weekend — renewed law enforcement’s hunt for the pilots of the remote-control aircraft. Sunday night marked the fifth illegal drone intrusion over the air-traffic exclusion zone above the still-uncontrolled blaze that has burned nearly 2,300 acres in southwestern Utah’s Dixie National Forest. The 6:30 p.m. incident again took air tankers and helicopters out of the smoky skies, where their presence has been critical to halting the fire’s spread toward hundreds of homes in Pine Valley, about 25 miles north of St. George.

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Boner Candidate #5: O’REILLY KNOWS HOW DR. KING WOULD FEEL

Fox News host Bill O’Reilly claims to know how Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. would have felt about the Black Lives Matter movement: The civil rights hero would want nothing to do with it. While President Barack Obama said well-meaning protesters shouldn’t be held accountable for the actions of those who “say things that are stupid or imprudent or overgeneralized or harsh,” O’Reilly blameed the entire movement for the words and actions of a few. “Well-meaning activists do not associate themselves with a group that often commits violent acts and encourages violence through irresponsible rhetoric,” O’Reilly said. “Dr. King would not participate in a Black Lives Matter protest.”

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Boner Candidate #6: TIME FOR MR. MAYOR TO STOP TALKING

For a nation heartsick over the killings of black men by police officers in Louisiana and Minnesota, and the ambush murders of officers by a gunman in Dallas, here comes Rudolph Giuliani, bringing his trademark brew of poisonous disinformation to the discussion. In his view, the problem is black gangs, murderous black children, the refusal of black protesters to look in the mirror at their “racist” selves, and black parents’ failure to teach their children to respect the police.

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