Boners

Boner Candidate Preview July 7, 2016

Boner Candidate #1: THE WORST DAD IN AMERICA

A man has been charged with child neglect after allegedly walking down the middle of a busy road carrying a six-month-old baby while high on MDMA. Roger Mumma, 29, was arrested in New Port Richey, Florida, on Sunday morning after concerned motorists called the police when they spotted a man stumbling down a highway. Two cops approached Mumma and said it was immediately clear that he was not in a normal state of mind. Police body cam footage shows Deputy John Gerardi asking the man if he is all right, to which he replies: ‘Yeah, just, people are following me.’

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Boner Candidate #2: BILL OREILLY HAS PROOF THE PRESIDENT IS AN ISIS SYMPATHIZER

Bill O’Reilly has released previously unseen photos of Barack Obama in Islamic dress claiming they were taken at his half-brother’s wedding. The Fox host said it was ‘very difficult’ to verify the exact location of the photographs, but claimed they were taken in Maryland in the early 1990s. The photos have not been independently verified, but O’Reilly used them in a monologue alleging the President’s ‘deep emotional ties’ to Islam have stopped him effectively combating terrorists.

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Boner Candidate #3: FOOD FIGHT!

A Gastonia couple was taken into custody Independence Day after authorities say the two assaulted each other using pizza rolls. Brad Scott Beard, 24, and Samantha Brooke Canipe, 21, were each charged with one count of misdemeanor simple assault and booked into the Gaston County Jail Monday morning, according to arrest records. Gastonia police said the couple got into a fight about 1 a.m. at their apartment off Spring Valley Drive by throwing pizza rolls at each other.

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Boner Candidate #4: BIG TOUGH GUY PURSE SNATCHER

Police are looking for a man who allegedly stole two purses belonging to young girls while at a Wal-Mart in Layton Tuesday. According to the Layton City Police Department, the man pictured above stole the purses from a shopping cart while at the Wal-Mart in Layton, 745 West Hill Field Road. The first purse belonged to a 6-year-old girl and contained $8.45. The second purse belonged to a 7-year-old girl and contained $3.00

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Boner Candidate #5: THE BEST BREAST BUST UP

A police chief being investigated over an alleged bust-up with a colleague over who had the better breasts is to marry her former head of standards – her third marriage to an officer in the same force. The Mail on Sunday revealed last week that Assistant Chief Constable Rebekah Sutcliffe had been suspended by Greater Manchester Police over claims that she compared her breasts with those of another policewoman in a bar. The late-night row with Superintendent Sarah Jackson is understood to have happened at an event intended to promote women in policing. The incident is being investigated by Durham Constabulary at the request of ACC Sutcliffe’s force.

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Boner Candidate #6: PLAYING TWISTER IS THE GATEWAY TO DEPRAVITY

A mom accused of allowing her daughter and teenage friends to smoke marijuana, drink alcohol and play “naked Twister” has sidestepped a serious criminal record by taking advantage of Georgia’s First Time Offenders Act. The woman, 35, of Evens, has been sentenced to six years probation and $600 in fines after pleading guilty to six counts of contributing to the delinquency of a minor, KRON‑TV reported. Because she had no prior felony arrests, she was able to take advantage of the state’s First Time Offenders Act. In exchange for her guilty pleas, she will be eligible to have her record sealed upon successful completion of the terms of her probation.

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