Boners

Boner Candidate Preview June 13, 2016

Boner Candidate #1: FART FIGHT

In this bar fight at one of Key West’s most famous watering holes, it wasn’t a spilled drink or sleazy advance on someone’s wife that led to blows. According to the police report, a fight broke out between two couples this week when someone, who Friday remained unidentified, allegedly broke wind inside Sloppy Joe’s, 201 Duval St. “The argument was due to someone farting,” police were told by a man who went to the hospital for a dislocated shoulder after the scrap.

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Boner Candidate #2: ITS OBAMA’S FAULT

While Orlando police and the FBI are working to piece together what actually motivated Omar Mateen to murder 50 people and injure 53 more at a gay nightclub in Orlando this morning, Fox News has apparently already solved the puzzle. So why was Mateen able to slaughter a room full of innocent people with a deadly assault rifle? According to Fox News commentator Sebastian Gorka, it’s all thanks to President Obama, Hillary Clinton, and political correctness.

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Boner Candidate #3: HE LEFT HIS PARTNER IN A HOT CAR

CHEROKEE COUNTY, Ga. — A police K-9 has died after investigators said its handler left the dog in the back of a patrol car for nearly three hours. The Cherokee County Marshal’s Office and the Cherokee Sheriff’s Office were called out to the home of Cherokee County School police Lt. Daniel Peabody Friday after getting a call that the police dog had died. The officer told investigators he arrived home around 4:15 p.m. and left the 4-year-old Belgian Malinois named Inka in the back of the car, with the engine turned off, while he dealt with another dog inside his home.

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Boner Candidate #4: I TOLD YOU SO

Donald Trump took to social media on Sunday to congratulate himself just hours after a gunman attacked a gay nightclub in Orlando, Florida, leaving 50 dead and 53 injured. With reports swirling that suspected shooter Omar Mateen may have had ties to Islamic extremism, Trump wanted to make clear the significance of that development: He was right. Almost an hour later, he posted a similar message to Facebook for good measure.

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Boner Candidate #5: REAP WHAT YOU SOW

The office of Texas Lieutenant Governor Dan Patrick, a Republican and evangelical Christian, on Sunday deleted a tweet many saw as offensive and insensitive that was sent out shortly after the deadly attack on a gay nightclub in Florida. “Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows,” read the Bible verse Patrick sent out on his official Twitter account a few hours after the worst mass shooting in U.S. history that left at least 50 dead.

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Boner Candidate #6: MOM? OH, SHE’S IN THE GUTTER.

A mother of three who was found passed out in a gutter after inviting a group of teenage boys to her home to play beer pong has been arrested, according to court documents. In a stunning mugshot destined for the hall of shame, Amber Renee Bradley, 29, of Layton, Utah, was pictured with heavy eye makeup running down her left eye. Bradley was charged with seven counts of child endangerment after police found beer, marijuana, drug paraphernalia, and Xanax in Bradley’s apartment next to four unconscious teens.

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