Boners

Boner Candidate Preview June 7, 2016

Boner Candidate #1: I NEEDED A SAFETY NET.

Customers at the American Diner in Liverpool, New York, know exactly where owner Michael Tassone stands politically. Even the coffee is stirred to the right. Fox News has called Tassone’s eatery “the most politically incorrect diner in the Empire State — and possibly the nation.” It’s not hard to see why: One of the breakfast items is a “Dictator Obama” special. You get eggs and toast for $3.59… plus an additional $27.99 “tax.” There is also the “Anti Michelle Obama, Don’t Tell Me What To Eat or Feed My Kids Burger,” a 16-ounce beef patty with bacon, cheese and a side of fries for $11.99.

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Boner Candidate #2: DON’T COME NEAR ME. I’VE GOT A BRA HERE AND I’LL USE IT!

A 31-year-old woman who was arrested Sunday evening became violent with deputies and tried to strangle herself with her bra, deputies said. After a Neighbor Watch tip at about 6:45 p.m. reported a suspicious person, deputies said they saw a woman, later identified as Christy Kelley, staggering and falling on Riverrun Drive. A deputy said that when he approached Kelley, she tried to stand up, but immediately fell down. Kelly told the deputy that she had been staying with friends who had attacked and injured her.

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Boner Candidate #3: MOM, THEY ARENT DRUGS!

A student, who was accused of doing drugs, managed to prove her innocence in spectacular fashion when the capsules turned out to be a fun children’s toy. Texas-based Ashley Banks, 16, took to Twitter to share the exchange she had with her mother after she believed she had found an illegal substance in her daughter’s bedroom. The discovery occurred after Ashley texted her mother to ask her to put a calculator in their mailbox so her friend Mj could pick it up before her SAT exam.

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Boner Candidate #4: RUMSPRINGA

Pennsylvania man Thomas Candler Felts was sentenced Tuesday in Lancaster County Court for an Aug. 30 incident in which the 25-year-old gave Amish teens some beer, showed them his gun, and yelled “Rumspringa” before he hit their horse-drawn buggy with his car. According to a press release from the Lancaster County District Attorney’s Office, the interaction started off with Candler Felts spotting the Amish teens outside a convenience store.

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Boner Candidate #5: HONEY. DADDY IS CHALLENGING YOU TO A DUEL.

A man in El Paso County, Colorado, was arrested Wednesday after a bizarre domestic dispute that climaxed with him pointing a gun at his juvenile daughter and challenging her to a duel, police said. Police say Robert Williams, 37, was arguing with his daughter, whose name and age have not been released, at around 7.20pm when he pulled a handgun on her and his wife. He is then alleged to have commanded his daughter to go get a gun from another room and take part in a duel – which she did, a spokeswoman, told ABC 7.

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Boner Candidate #6: THEY TRIED TO SELL ME A DEFECTIVE BABY.

A West Virginia couple was arrested after they tried to sell the woman’s 3-month-old baby reportedly to buy drugs, authorities say. Jonathan Flint, 20, and Ashley Harmon, 25, of Layland, West Virginia, attempted to sell the infant for $1,000 and then $500, WSAZ-TV reported. Investigators believe Harmon and her fiancé were going to use the money to buy drugs, the station reported.

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