Boners

Boner Candidates June 7, 2016

Boner Candidate #1: RUMSPRINGA

Pennsylvania man Thomas Candler Felts was sentenced Tuesday in Lancaster County Court for an Aug. 30 incident in which the 25-year-old gave Amish teens some beer, showed them his gun, and yelled “Rumspringa” before he hit their horse-drawn buggy with his car. According to a press release from the Lancaster County District Attorney’s Office, the interaction started off with Candler Felts spotting the Amish teens outside a convenience store. According to the police criminal complaint, Candler Felts “yelled at the occupants of the buggy about his missing pistol.” The teens said they didn’t have it, and Candler Felts left. When police later arrested Candler Felts, he said that he had chased the buggy down because he thought the teens stole his pistol, but he had later found it.

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Boner Candidate #2: THEY TRIED TO SELL ME A DEFECTIVE BABY.

A West Virginia couple was arrested after they tried to sell the woman’s 3-month-old baby reportedly to buy drugs, authorities say. Jonathan Flint, 20, and Ashley Harmon, 25, of Layland, West Virginia, attempted to sell the infant for $1,000 and then $500, WSAZ-TV reported. Investigators believe Harmon and her fiancé were going to use the money to buy drugs, the station reported. Fayette County Sheriff Steve Kessler was quoted in a press release as saying the case was shocking. “Law enforcement officers frequently deal with some pretty strange situations,” he said. “A situation like this is really out of the ordinary, though.” Flint and Harmon, who were arrested Friday, are accused of offering to sell the baby to neighbor Carolyn Redden after going to her home May 28. Redden knew Flint but not Harmon. Redden told WSAZ she didn’t want the baby, who appeared sick. She said they then left the baby with her to go to the store and never came back. She said she eventually called 911 because the baby would not stop crying and was shaking. She said an EMS worker who showed up told her the infant may be suffering from drug withdrawal. Child welfare workers took custody of the baby.

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Boner Candidate #3: I NEEDED A SAFETY NET.

Customers at the American Diner in Liverpool, New York, know exactly where owner Michael Tassone stands politically. Even the coffee is stirred to the right. Fox News has called Tassone’s eatery “the most politically incorrect diner in the Empire State — and possibly the nation.” It’s not hard to see why: One of the breakfast items is a “Dictator Obama” special. You get eggs and toast for $3.59… plus an additional $27.99 “tax.” There is also the “Anti Michelle Obama, Don’t Tell Me What To Eat or Feed My Kids Burger,” a 16-ounce beef patty with bacon, cheese and a side of fries for $11.99. But Tassone, 48, is facing accusations of hypocrisy after pleading guilty to defrauding the government of more than $23,000 in benefits between May 2009 and April 2011, Syracuse.com reported last week. Tassone admitted to offering a false instrument for filing, a misdemeanor. He paid $23,354 in restitution to the county. For his part, Tassone says the truth is more complicated. He said he and his wife applied for Medicaid and welfare years ago, before he opened the diner. “We were between jobs and I needed a safety net for my sick wife,” Tassone told The Huffington Post. “I qualified, but there was a technicality. My wife didn’t check the right box.”

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