Boner of the Day

Boner Candidate Preview June 9, 2016

Boner Candidate #1: A DRASTIC SOLUTION.

Authorities say an Albuquerque man took drastic action to escape the sounds of his neighbors having sex — he set fire to his own apartment. The Albuquerque Journal reports that Reuben Cook told police Sunday he “tried to burn anything he could think of” in his apartment to run from the annoying sounds. A criminal complaint filed in Metropolitan Court says police found minor fire damage when they arrived to Cook’s apartment.

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Boner Candidate #2: WE LEFT HER AS PAYMENT.

Police in western Manitoba have arrested a couple after they ran out on a restaurant bill but left their child behind. Brandon police say they were called to a restaurant on Tuesday night after a husband and wife ran up a tab of $135 and then bolted. They left behind their 10-year-old daughter. Police say they caught up to the intoxicated suspects a short distance away.

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Boner Candidate #3: IT’S CALLED PAY-BACK SONNY.

A hotel guest swigging from a liquor bottle while at the pool of an waterfront Florida resort allegedly poured vodka “directly into the eyes and face” of a seven-year-old boy who splashed water near her, according to police. As detailed in arrest affidavits, Roseanna Marie Kiser, a 33-year-old North Carolina resident, was at the Sheraton Sand Key Resort in Clearwater Monday evening when she tangled with the underage victim. Kiser, police allege, was intoxicated and “drinking from a vodka bottle” while several young children “were also swimming and playing” in the pool

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Boner Candidate #4: JUST SHUT UP, WILL YOU?

The former Stanford University swimmer convicted of sexually assaulting an unconscious woman expressed remorse in a statement read to the court ahead of his sentencing — but blamed his actions entirely on alcohol, insisting he never meant to harm anyone. “I made a mistake, I drank too much, and my decisions hurt someone,” Brock Turner, 20, wrote in a letter to California Judge Aaron Persky, who sentenced the former student to six months in county jail last week. “But I never ever meant to intentionally hurt [redacted]. My poor decision making and excessive drinking hurt someone that night and I wish I could just take it all back.”

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Boner Candidate #5: GAYS AT HOME? NO SCHOOL FOR YOU.

Trinity Academy, a Christian prep school in Wichita, Kansas, has come under fire over a “statement of understanding” it sends to potential applicants in which it makes clear the school can expel students who come from homes that ‘promote’ the “LGBT lifestyle.” That statement was broadly interpreted to mean that a student could be expelled from Trinity simply for having a sibling who identifies as lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender.

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Boner Candidate #6: BIKE RIDING IS SO PROVOCATIVE

An ultra-orthodox Jewish leader has reportedly banned girls aged five and older in some areas of Israel from riding bicycles – claiming it is “immodest”. The rabbi of the Jerusalem neighbourhood of Nahloat distributed the stringent decree to his followers in synagogues across the area. He had said young girls riding bicycles could “cause serious damage to their modesty” and that bicycle seats caused young girls to sit in a way men found “provocative”, according to the Arutz Sheva 7 website.

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