Boners

Boner Candidate Preview May 17, 2016

Boner Candidate #1: BEN CAN KEEP A SECRET. HE SURE CAN.

Ben Carson, the neurosurgeon turned presidential candidate turned unfiltered pitchman for Donald Trump and now part of the presumptive nominee’s vice presidential search committee, sat in the back of a Town Car with his wife, Candy, on his way to a televised interview. He had just explained to the reporter riding along that he wanted no role in a Trump administration when news arrived of a new poll naming him as the best-liked of a list of potential running mates.

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Boner Candidate #2: HE JUST MIGHT BE A WHITE SUPREMACIST

Yesterday afternoon, police officers in New Jersey were combing the Greenwood Forest Wildlife Management Area in the eastern part of the state when they came upon an abandoned car. After searching the area,they arrested two men in combat gear who were in possession of various weapons, including high-powered automatic rifles. One of the men was Bruce J. Post III of Trenton, an ex-felon who was tagged with several weapons charges. In a statement, Lacey Township police chief David A. Paprota said that Post “gave indications of possible white-supremacist involvement.”

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Boner Candidate #3: A KNUCKLE HEAD SITUATION

According to police, a man attending a high school graduation in Kansas accidentally fired a pistol he had concealed in his sock on Sunday, shooting himself and a female bystander. Neither injury is believed to be life-threatening, The Washington Post reports. “It was uncomfortable for him,” Augusta Police Chief Tyler Brewer toldThe Wichita Eagle. “He went to adjust his sock, and the weapon went off, striking him in the foot.” Describing the shooting as “a knuckleheaded situation,” Brewer said the man had a concealed carry permit but still broke the law by bringing the gun to the school.

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Boner Candidate #4: MAYBE THE USA TODAY REPORTERS WERE HIGH

Weed recommend USA Today grab a map. In its recent story about marijuana smuggling in Colorado, the paper got its states mixed up. The piece on the pot traffickers included a map that incorrectly identified Wyoming as Colorado. “But marijuana remains illegal in every state surrounding Colorado, and law enforcement in those neighbors are looking for it,” reads the text around the graphic. However, the dark blue state in the image that is supposedly supplying bud to surrounding states isn’t Colorado.

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Boner Candidate #5: PLEASE, EVERYONE…GO OUT OF YOUR WAY TO BUY STUFF AT TARGET

Video footage of an unidentified woman storming through Target store protesting the retail giant’s transgender restroom pledge has gone viral after being posted to YouTube this weekend. In the clip, which can be viewed above, the woman tells customers and staff at a Target franchise in an undisclosed location that she is “disgusted” by the company’s vow to allow transgender patrons to use the restroom that best corresponds with their gender identity. “Target would have you believe with their Mother’s Day displays that they love mothers and children. This is a deception,”

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Boner Candidate #6: WE HELPED THAT LITTLE THING TO DEATH

At Yellowstone National Park, officials are used to issuing warnings to the public each time a visitor is injured by a bison. The animals hurt more tourists than any other animal at the park. But this time, it was a newborn bison calf that suffered. On Monday, officials said that the calf had been euthanized a week after visitors picked the animal up and put it in the trunk of an S.U.V. The calf was killed because it was later rejected by its herd and appeared to have been habituated to humans, Morgan Warthin of the National Park Service wrote in a statement.

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