Boner of the Day

Boner Candidates for October 3, 2016

Boner Candidate #1: TRYIN TO IMPRESS THE BOY

Police say a 44-year-old man told investigators he stole more than dozen cars from dealerships and auto detailing shops to gain the respect of his meth-addicted son. According to court documents, Keith Dart, 44, of Pound said he committed the thefts out of desperation to impress his 16-year-old son, whom  Dart said is addicted to methamphetamine, admires people who live the “thug life,” and would no longer talk to his father. He said he created an alter ego for himself that committed crimes so his son would start talking to him again.

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Boner Candidate #2: NO SNACK WITHOUT A SMACK

Officials in Kentucky are monitoring a day care center after an investigation found that employees required children to be hit before they could get a snack. Citing an Office of Inspector General report, media outlets say two male workers at New Creation Childcare in Lexington made children line up and get hit on the legs or hands with a ruler to get some yogurt. At least two children had noticeable bruising as a result of playing “smack for a snack.” Police cited one of the employees for assault. Officials also found the day care’s storefront window shattered. Staff said one child had knocked another into the glass.

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Boner Candidate #3: WE’RE STAYING MARRIED BY GOD

A 68-year old man from Miami’s Golden Beach neighborhood has reportedly had a ‘terrible shock’ after discovering his new bride, a 24-year old woman from Jacksonville, is actually his own biological granddaughter. The couple, who have only been married for three months, made the discovery while looking through a photo album belonging to the 68-year old, who has requested that both he and his partner not be named by the media. In the album were photos of the 68-year old’s children from his first marriage, and one of them was the bride’s own father. According to the 68-year old, he had become estranged from the children of that marriage after his spouse left him, taking the children away and moving to an undisclosed location. “All these years I was never able to find her,” he told reporters, claiming that he’d hired several private investigators who had all failed to locate his ex-wife and children.

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