Boners

Boner Candidates for September 27, 2016

Boner Candidate #1: A LITTLE PRIVACY PLEASE

A South Memphis woman is in shock after catching two burglars having sexual intercourse in her house and ransacking the place. “It’s horrible in there,” said victim Jamie Barnes. “It’s absolutely horrible in there. It’s like they just had a big old nasty party.” Barnes was surprised to see her front door open after being away for a few days, but that shock was quickly topped by what was going on inside the house on Davant Street in South Memphis. “Walk in and they’re having sex on my couch,” said Barnes. “I pick up my broom, I wanted to hit that man so bad.”

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Boner Candidate #2: WAIT. YOU MEAN I CAN WALK? WELL I’LL BE DARNED

A Portuguese man spent 43 years in a wheelchair because of a mistaken medical diagnosis, finally re-learning to walk only in his fifties, a newspaper reported on Sunday. When Rufino Borrego was 13, he was diagnosed by a Lisbon hospital as having incurable muscular dystrophy, the Jornal de Noticias reported. After that he used a wheelchair to get around for more than four decades — until a neurologist realised in 2010 that he in fact suffered from a different disease that weakens the muscles, myasthenia.

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Boner Candidate #3: WE HAVE A LOT OF WORKERS WHO WANT TO GO HOME EARLY

More than one-third of calls to a suicide hotline for troubled veterans are not being answered by front-line staffers because of poor work habits and other problems at the Department of Veterans Affairs, according to the hotline’s former director. Some hotline workers handle fewer than five calls per day and leave before their shifts end, even as crisis calls have increased sharply in recent years, said Greg Hughes, the former director of the VA’s Veterans Crisis Line. Hughes said in an internal email that some crisis line staffers “spend very little time on the phone or engaged in assigned productive activity.” Coverage at the crisis line suffers “because we have staff who routinely request to leave early,” he said.

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